Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Still pregnant! Very very pregnant!!

YES! Well everyone, I got my beta hcg results back last night, and it
turns out that, not only am I still pregnant, but that my numbers are
rising ever so quickly.

On Friday they measured 750, and Monday morning's results were nearly
3000!!! My husband's cousin, who is a fertility specialist, gave me the
results and said "You need to think about the possibility of more than
one baby in there". Yay!...I mean, I honestly think that there's only
one in there (and, I'll say right now that I honestly think it's a boy),
but it's fun to think that it's even a possibility!

Nausea returned this morning. It was a weird famished/pukey feeling. I
felt sick because I was so hungry...but felt so sick that I didn't want
to eat. Anyway, it quickly passed. Morning sickness hasn't been too bad
yet. I'm anticipating some more in about a week or two.

I've scheduled my first ultrasoun for July 22nd. I'll be exactly 7 weeks
along. And based on my beta results, I'm expecting that I might even be
able to see a nice, strong heartbeat. Maybe I can hear it too!!

I've also scheduled my first major prenatal appointment with my GP. It's
going to take place on July 30th. She's already requisitioned TONS of
bloodwork for me, which I'll get done in about two weeks, and she
started me on a new thyroid medication and dose. As soon as I got
pregnant, my thyroid went bananas!! (which explains the hot flashes I've
been having all day!)

Anyway, I'm just so grateful that everything seems ok. I love being
pregnant. I wish I felt more pregnant....even if that means feeling
sick. I walk around the mall at my lunch hour and I have this extra skip
in my step. I'm SO happy to be pregnant. I can't wait to see our little
peanut at our first scan. I'll definitely post pictures!!!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Stupid Stupid Doctor

Y'all know what I think of most doctors, right? I mean, not all doctors, but most of them. I think they are highly incompetent monkeys who've just memorized medical textbooks and apply their "knowledge" without really taking your personal situation into account.
 
As I mentioned in my previous post, I had the unfortunate need to see a doctor yesterday. I woke up in the morning and freaked out because I had lost all my pregnancy symptoms overnight. I was certain that something was wrong. In fact, I flat out cried to my husband "I'm not pregnant anymore. I think it's over". That's how certain I felt. It's a woman's intuition thing I guess.
 
Anyway, after much frantic decision-making, I decided that I had to be straight with my boss and tell him exactly what was going on so that he's know why I needed to just take some time off work. I told him and, as expected, he was quite supportive. He told me to go to a walk-in clinic immediately.
 
I got to the walk-in clinic. Their website claimed that the current wait-time at the clinic was 40 minutes. After two hours of waiting (in a seat next two a homeless guy and some other guy with Tourrette's who kept yelling "VAGINAL"), I finally got called in by the nurse. The nurse asked me about what happened, I explained everything to her clearly. I explained that my symptoms (nausea, breast tenderness, fatigue, and general 'pregnant feeling') had suddenly completely disappeared. I told her that I really didn't feel pregnant anymore. She then asked me for a urine sample.
 
Ten minutes after the nurse dipped the urine sample, the idiot doctor walked in and said "Good news! There's a second line, so you're definitely not having a miscarriage". I was stunned. How could a medical professional be so fucking stupid? Didn't he know anything?? Didn't he know that, even if a miscarriage had occured, the test would be positive for days still...maybe even a week or longer. Shortly before my appointment, my husband's cousin, who is a fertility specialist, told me to ask the doctor to check my progesterone levels as well. When I asked him to include it on the requisition for blood work that he was going to write up for me, he said...I swear this is what he said "I don't know how to interpret progesterone results, so there's no point in including them".  AHHHH
 
Then after that, he asked me why I was so nervous. I explained to him, yet again, how all my symptoms had suddenly disappeared. His response was this "Well...if you just got a positive pregnancy test on Sunday, Dear, you can't expect to feel your baby kicking already!!"
 
I was stunned and horrified. Was this a joke? This man was actually supposed to be trusted with my health and well-being?
 
I finally got him to give me a requisition for hcg test and progesterone test. I insisted that he copy my husband's cousin on the results, that way she could tell me what they were, rather than the shit-for-brains asshole from the clinic. His name is Dr. "McM**on" (I'll leave a couple letters out for liability purposes....stupid ass) and he works at the Appletree medical clinic on Slater St. in downtown Ottawa.
 
This morning I went to take the blood test. I'm supposed to have the test repeated on Monday morning. I'm seeing my doctor on Monday afternoon, so I'm hoping to know something by then. More likely, though, I won't know anything until Tuesday....unless I start bleeding, at which point I won't need lab results to confirm anything.
 
 
As for my emotional status, I'm pretty crushed, as you can imagine. I actually am handling it way better than I would've expected, though. I think that I've read SO SO SO many hundreds of stories of women who've had miscarriages and then gone on to have healthy pregnancies later, has made me realize that it's almost required. I know that's so stupid to say, but I'm just convinced now that it's very common and even normal for a first time pregnancy. It doesn't make it much easier, but I'm trying to kid myself into not breaking down.
 
I also recognize that, as with TTC, the show's not over 'til the fat lady sings. Until I have blood or lab work confirmation to confirm what I 99% believe to be true, then it's not over. I still treat my body as if it's holding my precious baby.
 
And here's the bright side. I found out I was pregnant exactly four days after getting my first normal thyroid blood test results. I totally know that it could've been a fluke. After so many months of trying to conceive, maybe it was just my time and had nothing to do with my thyroid. But, more likely, as soon as my thyroid was balanced, I was able to get pregnant...and I did. I managed to conceive, get a positive pregnancy test and hold this pregnancy at least for a few days. I think I can do it again. I hope so.
 
I don't know what to do right now. I guess there's nothing to do but wait. So I'll wait.
 
 

Expecting the worst

I think I might be miscarrying.

If the laws of woman's intuition apply to pregnancy, then...I think definitely.

A few days ago I had every symptom in the book: Sore breasts, morning sickness, fatigue, heavy feeling in my uterus, and a general sense that "I'm pregnant". My husband and I were out for a stroll when I felt a mild cramp. Within 15 minutes, I commented on how my symptoms had completely disappered....and pretty suddenly too. By the next morning, I woke up feeling nothing. Nothing at all. No nausea, no sore breasts. I felt like I did when I was TTC. No pregnant feeling whatsoever.

This led me to freak out...and then have to engage Canada's fucking mess of a medical system. i'll write more about this fucking ordeal later.

Anyway, this morning I woke up again feeling nothing other than some mild menstrual-like cramps. I'm going for an hcg test this morning....and another on Monday. I'm expecting to know what's going on by Mondayl. Fuck...I thought once i was pregnant, all this awful waiting would be over. Apparently not.

Pray for me!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Never thought I'd write this post.

I got it this morning. My BFP. I'm pregnant.

I can't even believe I'm typing it. But I am. I am pregnant. Two lines. Two gorgeous lines. On two different tests. And they're mine.

I'm a mixture of excitement, numbness...and disbelief. I definitely don't think that the reality has sunk in yet.

I'm thrilled, don't get me wrong. More thrilled than you can imagine.

I'm....pregnant. Expecting. With child. Knocked up.

Holy moly. I'm pregnant.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Pessimistic

This morning I'm feeling pessimistic. I don't know...I definitely was feeling stuff the first few days post-ovulation, but now it seems to have subsided. I wake up in the mornings with gross white heads scattered across my face, but that's probably because I've been lazy about my skin cleansing regimen recently.
Sigh...as usual...I'll just have to wait and see. I hate waiting.

Friday, June 20, 2008

UPDATE: I'm totally setting myself up for disaster by doing this....

Add to that...lack of appetite.
I'm optimistic because this is how I felt the first month we TTC....but then it ended badly.
*chin up*....right?

I'm totally setting myself up for disaster by doing this....

but....
 
1 DPO - neausea, uterus twinges

So freaked to even be saying this

....but I'm cautiously optimistic this month. The only reasons are as follows:
 
1) It was my HSG month and the doctor said that there's an increased chance of conceiving this month,
2) Normally I feel absolutely nothing after ovulation, but I've been feeling some poking, tingling and throbbing in my ovarian/uterus area for the past two days.
 
It's not much to go on...but it's something a little different. But again, just for the record, I'm CAUTIOUSLY optimistic. I'm mentally preparing myself to not be pregnant and have to move onto next month....when I'll be making good use of those Instead Cups after BDing. Oh...and also...I noticed a tiny bit of tingle in my boobs last night.
 
I'm either one or two days past ovulation today.
 

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I lost my mind this morning. I fell into a fit of rage and crying and throwing things and banging walls and wanting to kill myself.I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of platitudes, I'm tired of having hope and then losing it. I'm tired of waiting. Weeks and weeks of waiting. Months and months. I'm exhausted. I want it to stop.

We timed everything so perfectly this month. In fact, I stupidly allowed myself to get hopeful because everything just went so fucking perfectly this month. I caught a fade-in pattern on my OPK and we were disciplined and we waited until I had a strong positive on my OPK (testing 3x per day), and we tried two nights ago, even though I was as dry as a desert.

And then last night, which was really the night to try (I'm 100% sure I ovulated right before we tried), last night we tried again. This was supposed to be it for us. I had HOPE this month. We tried and, for whatever fucking reason, EVERYTHING came gushing out as soon as my husband pulled out. And he pulled out immediately after finishing. I know that everyone is thinking that it's normal for stuff to spill out. I know that too.

BUT EVERYTHING....EVERYTHING came out.

And y'know what else? Yesterday I bought the 'instead' cups. I thought I'd try and put one in after sex and leave it there all night. DH actually made fun of me and told me I was losing my mind for wanting to use it. So, embarassed, I didn't use it after sex. I could've scooped everything up and shoved it back in with a cup. But instead I just wiped it away with a towel. There was nothing left in me.

And you know what else fucking sucks? This was my HSG month. If there was ever a fucking month to get it fucking right, it was now. You're supposed to be extra fertile this month. This is the month not to fuck up. What is wrong with us? What have I done to deserve this? How could we let this happen? Everything came out. ALL of it. There was so much.

This rage this morning....that was all hope leaving me. We're religious people and I'm just ready to give it all up. I'm furious with God. FURIOUS. What the fuck am I building a solid home for? Why am I living my life this way? I always did it so that my children could be raised in a strong home. What children? What's the point now? I want to give it all up. I'm so enranged. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to tell God to fuck off. Yeah? You really think it's better to have some 15 year old pregnant than me, God? Really? Well then maybe I should just stop living my life this way. Obviously it means nothing to you that I try to be good. Obviously you're punishing me for something. So then, y'know what? I might as well have something to be punished for. Fuck you.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

HSG: What a bunch of hype!

Well, that wasn't bad at all.
On Friday morning I went to my RE's office to have the dreaded HSG test (this is the one where they slide a catheter through your cervix and into your uterus and then blow up a ballon and push fluid or bubbles through your tubes to check that they're clear). Anyway, I hadn't mentioned that I was having the test because I was trying not to think about it. I knew that if I read about it online I would probably have LOTS of anxiety about it, so I decided not to read at all. I remembered hearing about how many women say that the test is very painful. I didn't need the gory details, y'know?
Anyway, I arrived at the office at around 8:50 and was quickly ushered into the ultrasound room. My husband was allowed in with me. Excellent. The ultrasound tech (who was VERY nice....just like the last one I had) asked me to take off my pants and underwear and cover myself with a sheet. Everyone there is SO considerate of making sure you're not exposed unnecessarily. It's very nice of them.
Then Dr. C came in a began the procedure. He explained that he would be doing the following:
a) Inserting a speculum, just like a pap test, and then examining me a little,
b) Disinfectin my cervix and internal vagina with an iodine solution,
c) Inserting a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus, and then inserting the transvaginal ultrasound wand,
d) Blowing up a balloon inside my uterus in order to see things better, and then putting some saline solution inside too,
e) forcing some air bubbles through my fallopian tubes in order to see if they're clear or blocked.
By far the worst part of the procedure was the insertion of the speculum and the 'washing' of my cervix. The speculum and washing felt just like a pap which, for some odd reason, is always painful for me. But...here's the weird part. The rest of the procedure didn't hurt! I thought that the insertion of the catheter would be really painful, but I totally didn't feel a thing. Nothing.
Once the catheter was inserted I began experiencing some menstrual-like cramps. They felt like the types of cramps I get when I have BAD BAD cramps...but they were far far less intense. Really nothing to get upset about. It was fine.
When the doctor forced bubbles into my tubes it felt SO weird...it felt like....well...like bubbles being forced through my tubes! No pain, just an odd sensation. Again, nothing to get upset about. The best part??.....Hearing that everything was clear :)
The doctor quickly confirmed that everything looked good and that my tubes were wide open. Then he removed the ultrasound wand and told me that, for couples where the woman's tubes are normal, there is a marked increase in fertility for cycles after the HSG procedure. Sweet!
So...that was it. They gave me a pad and told me that I might have some 'leaking' and some 'spotting'. I had neither. I felt fine. I EASILY could've gone back to work right after, but I had already taken the day off (thinking I'd be in lots of pain), so I decided to play hookie.
After the procedure I told my husband that I really wanted to write about it on my blog. I told him that it was important for me to tell my story and let women know that this procedure is not painful for everyone, in spite of what you might read online. The HSG was not painful.
Wish me luck for this cycle!!

Friday, June 6, 2008

Update

Hello everyone (ie. the three people who read my blog)
So…here's an update. And I'm warning you….sorry, I'm going to say some yucky stuff.

AF arrived when I thought it would (CD 27…which means I had a 26 day cycle this month….hmmmm).
Of course, it's not enough that AF arrived, she had to bring her thug cousins with her…cramps and nausea.

Anyway, so I called the fertility clinic to register my day one, and they booked my CD3 bloodwork and my baseline ultrasound and transvaginal ultrasounds (all of which would be performed on the same day……today.

So, this morning I drank the requisite 66 glasses of water (on an empty stomach) and then waited to leave the house and drive to the clinic. Uh oh. Something's not right. I feel very ill. I feel like I have explode…from all bodily orifices. I had thai food last night and it ain't sitting so well. And the fact that I have 2 litres of water in my bladder, crushing against my stomach and intestines isn't helping either. I had to figure out how to have a total #2 attack in the bathroom without emptying my bladder. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a stomach explosion (of thai food) and NOT pee? Well, I managed it. Anyway, we jumped in the car to drive to the clinic. I was white knuckle gripping the car door the entire ride, so as not to poo in my pants because, as if going to the bathroom twice in one morning wasn't enough…I had to go again. And my bladder was so full I thought I would die.

Anyway, I got to the clinic and told the technician that I was REALLY not feeling well and that I had to empty my bladder immediately or I would throw up. I think that she could tell (based on how pale white I was…and the fact that I was sweating) that I was to be taken seriously. She said "no problem…go to the bathroom and do what you have to do. Try not to completely empty your bladder. But if you do, don't worry, we'll deal with it". With that, I ran to the bathroom, emptied my bladder a bit, had another explosion, and then forced myself to not empty my bladder anymore and go for the ultrasound". I told the technician, who was an absolute doll, that I thought I had managed to keep a bit of pee in my bladder.

The moment she put the ultrasound device on my stomach, she said "Wow…whoa!...you have a VERY VERY full bladder! And you said you even emptied some??" I told her that I have this problem every time I have an ultrasound. They tell you to drink a litre of water one hour prior, but I think that I should drink about half that much. She admitted that, for most people, drinking 2-3 cups is definitely enough to fill their bladder.

She tried to do the ultrasound as quickly as she could - took about 2 minutes - and then she said excitedly "Ok…go to the bathroom!". Ahhh….I felt so much better after that. Next came the internal ultrasound. Given that this is CD2 for me…you can just imagine how worried I was about grossly messing up the table, the equipment, etc. I have to be honest…not half as bad as I thought. I quickly disrobed, she put a cover on me and then started the examination. Everything looked fine (according to my untrained eye). My uterus looked empty (which is good because I didn't want to see any large masses inside of it or something), my ovaries were there (phew) and had these big black dots all over them. I was scared that these were cysts, but she assured me that they were just follicles and that they were supposed to be there!

Then, she removed the 'device', rubbed my knees and said "ok…are you ok? You're done". And that was it? I left the room, got dressed, had another 6 viles of blood drawn, and then headed to work with DH, who was sweet enough to accompany me for moral support.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Another month gone by

I know that, technically, the show's not over 'til the fat lady sings, but I'm pretty sure that AF is just around the corner. I think I'm up to 4 BFNs now....and with some good quality tests...not just the $0.05 tests.

I feel like I'm going to crack. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that I should have hope. I look at women who have been trying for years without success and I marvel at how they've maintained their sanity. I have no doubt that they, like me, cry all the time. But just the fact that they're still there, on the message boards, crossing their fingers and sending 'baby dust' every month, just blows me away. I'm in awe.

I had a lot of hope this month....even though I outwardly said, from CD15, that I wasn't going to get pregnant this month. I felt ovulation so much...from both sides!...And I really thought I could be that girl who got pregnant as soon as her thyroid was regulated. I thought I could be that girl who, after a valiant struggle to have get pregnant, had her baby on Valentine's Day (the day I would've been due, if it had worked this month).

Mostly, I'm just tired of living my life feeling like I'm about to crack and have a breakdown. I've been putting off speaking with a councillor, but mostly because the one I want only sees patients from, like, noon 'til 2pm every day (oh...and on Saturday mornings)....a fat lotta good that does me. Between blood tests and doctors appointments, I'm already missing so much work that my once understanding boss has started raising his eyebrow every time I announce that I'm going to just be a bit late to work (or a bit late getting back from lunch.....or leaving work early for the day) because of a doctor's appointment. When I do return to work, I make sure to display my bandaid and cotton ball in the crease of my arm, in the hopes that he'll believe me, instead of thinking that I'm just playing hookie. Anyway, the point is that I cannot afford to take any more time off work. When these councillors open their practices, don't they think to themselves "Gee....maybe having appointments outside of business hours would be good for patients?"

Anyway, my husband is getting on my case about this. He thinks that seeing a councillor should be priority number one....work be damned. Of course he's right, but it's just not that easy. I'm going to keep looking around and seeing if I can find someone downtown who I could see over lunch. It's long over due. I spent the better part of the weekend (and almost the whole of both saturday and sunday nights) sobbing. This morning isn't going much better.

Most of it is probably due to the fact that I know about 4 people who are THIS close to giving birth (complete with hourly updates on their situations on facebook). I'm so jealous.

More to come later...for now i have to run to work.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sorry it's been so long. I don't have good news or bad. Just...the same.
As some of you may know, this was my first cycle with a normal range TSH. I ovulated early...and I had TONS of very painful ovulation pain. Both ovaries felt raw and bruised for two days solid (and this was the same time as I had tons and tons of EWCM). Hubby and I did our best with what time we had. We 'tried', a couple days before ovulation, both days of positive ovulation tests, and then one or two days after that.
I was quite hopeful for a few days this cycle. I really thought that the painful ovulation was sign that, now that my thyroid has been regulated, I was finally ovulating for the first time in a while. I thought that I might even have some weird ovulation where I ovulate from both ovaries and...end up with twins! Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?
Anyway, I haven't felt very much since ovulation. Only a few notable things. I am now on 8dpo and for the past two days, I've had lots of gas and bloating. I've had some very very very minor and mild twinges and cramps the last couple days, and I've noticed that my boobs are totally not sore. Now, normally the boob thing would get me excited, but the truth is that I've looked at my charts for the past few months, and my boobs usually get sore around CD 22 (which will be around two days from now).
Oh...and update...as I was writing this my mother called. She asked me about 'things', and I mentioned in passing that I probably wouldn't be pregnant this month. She gave this totally condescending chuckle and said "oh...I don't know if you know this but you can't tell for the first month or longer. You won't feel anything". Yeah...that's right....except that first month, when I had a miscarriage, I felt everything. I knew...I knew from the day after we conceived. I just knew. And I felt it. Not subtly either...Very obviously.
Look, I'm not denying that I still have a chance at being pregnant this month. I know I do. If I didn't think so, then I wouldn't keep testing. But I just feel that, when I actually do end up getting pregnant, it'll feel like it did the first time. I'll feel tired, I'll feel heaviness in my uterus, I'll "just know"....and I'll dream about it, just like I did that first month.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my mother. She's just so full of platitudes and old wives advice. I cannot mask my disappointment when we speak. I get annoyed. I wish I didn't, but there's no one Ispeak to who is worse at making me feel better. I don't know why. I guess it's that everyone else can accept that I get down. They understand and don't get upset when I'm not cheerful. But my mom just seems to get annoyed when I display anything but cheerfulness, hope and complete faith in God that this is really really good for me. It's NOT.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Ok...well, that's done,

So, DH and I had our appointment today and I still can't decide how I feel about it.

First off, the doctor: Dr. C is obviously an expert in his field. He peppers his speech with references to recent and old medical studies, and doesn't hesitate for a second as he's offering his advice.

I should note that DH and I know Dr. C on a personal level, so he may have treated us differently than he normally treats his patients. I don't know. It's possible. For one thing, he didn't yell at me for being fat. It was absolutely brutal when he asked me for my height and weight in front of my husband. I'm surprised DH's jaw didn't drop, because every time he has guessed my weight in the passed, he's underestimated by at least 30 pounds. Today must've been quite a gross shock for him.

Anyway, back to Dr. C. He just looked at me and said "Ok..you know that this can contribute to your infertility. I've seen you power walking in our neighbourhood, but you need to do more". That was about it. He wasn't so bad about it.

Now, as for what he said about us, he suggested a few things:
1) He said that it's totally possible that we're just one of those perfectly healthy, normal couples who, for some reason, take a heck of a long time to get pregnant. He said "you might just be on that part of bell curve where it takes a healthy couple a year or more to get pregantn".

2) It could be a problem with DH's sperm. DH had a sperm test and, with the exception of a couple of borderline numbers, almost everything came out normal. Dr. C said that, to him, the test looked "just fine. Normal".

3) Or it could be an ovulation problem. He said that since I have such regular menstrual periods, he doesn't think that I have an ovulation problem. Instead, he assumes that our fertility issues have been caused by my thyroid which, probably, just squewed my hormones every so slightly....but enough to cause a lack of conception.

He recommended a couple of tests for me: 1) a baseline ultrasound (trans-vaginal), which will check for ovarian cysts and uterine lining issues, and 2) a special test to check my fallopian tubes and make sure they're clear. I've heard that this second test is excruciatingly painful. I told him that I'd rather hold off for a couple months before booking that.

If we don't get pregnant this month, I'll have a whole WHACK of tests to do next month: blood tests, ultrasounds, etc.

Hubby also mentioned my extreme depression/anxiety, and Dr. C recommended that I see the councillor in his clinic. I'm definitely going to book that appointment tomorrow.

Anyway, here's some more important information:
When Dr. C examined me (basically he did a pap), he took a one second look at my privates and said "Whoa...you're about to ovulate! Keep your husband nearby!". I said "uhhh...how do you know that?" and he said "You have tons of healthy cervical mucus here". I also mentioned that I had been having some serious ovary soreness. He didn't have anything to say about that. But it seemed, given the ovary pains, and the EWCM, that I must be close to ovulating (even though I'm only on CD11).

Later today, I took an OPK test, and it came back positive. How can this be?? I don't understand how I can be ovulating so early? I'm scared that we're, once again, front-loading our sex efforts. We have a bad track record of having tons of sex early in my fertile phase, and then not having the stamina to continue through my ovulation time.

Anyway, DH and I will be BDing tonight and tomorrow and, hopefully, I'll get pregnant. Nothing more to say than that.
UPDATE: Oh... I forgot to mention the funny part of the appointment. DH accompanied me to the examination room after our consult with Dr. C in his office. When Dr. C walked in, DH said "Ok...I think maybe I should wait outside". Dr. C said, "Well, I actually need you here because I want to examine you too". (Keep in mind, we're personal friends/acquaintances with Dr. C). Dr. C then looked at DH and said "I'll need to check your family jewels. Could you please drop your pants so I can squeeze your testicles?"
I thought poor hubby would die of embarassment. He was so nervous that he just started speaking at a hundred miles an hour, saying 'oh...sure, here you go' (as he casually whipped out his schlong). I almost busted up laughing.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Sorry for the absence!

I know, I know...I'm lucky if any of you are still reading because I've completely neglected my blog. I do have some good reasons, though...

1) My family (parents, grandmother and great-aunt) came to visit us for the long weekend. I know that you're probably thinking it was a total drag, but they're actually a lot of fun and we had a terrific time with them!

2)I've been trying to think about how to tell you all that my thyroid seems to be...perfect! I am so proud of myself. I know, I know, all I did was take a pill every day, but consider the following: First off, it takes most people who have only slightly hypothyroids, nearly 6 months to a year to fix them. I was so firm with my doctor and so aggressive with my treatment, that I manged to get my TSH from >100 to a normal range in 7 weeks. Also, I've been meticulous in taking my medication, which isn't easy because it involves not eating for 2 hours after I've taken the pill (first thing in the morning), and not having any dairy for at least 4 hours after taking it. I've really had to adjust my life a little to accommodate these rules.

Anyway, today marks our first really TTC attempt in slightly over 2 months. I'm thrilled and nervous to be back in the game. I've read so many exciting success stories about people who, after finding out they were hypothyroid, have fallen pregnant as SOON as they got their TSH into the normal range. While I want to keep a realistic outlook, I have to admit that I have a little twinge of hope that I'll be one of those cases. Of course, falling pregnant immediately would bring about some concern about miscarriage due to a fluctuating TSH. Anyway, I'm really trying to not hope too hard about falling pregnant right away, but I'm still trying to keep a really positive outlook.

I'm nervous, because I know that, as we re-start TTC again, I'm possibly setting myself up for the pain and heartache that I experienced in all the previous months while TTC. There wasn't so much sadness this month when I got my period because we weren't really trying. But now, we are trying again, and I've got real hope that's available to to be shattered in about 2 weeks from now.

Wish me luck!!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Down and out...

That's what I was today....down and out. DH and I went to the tulip festival, which I had never seen before, and which was lovely. It started out well enough, with colourful flowers, the international pavillion - with its various ethnic culinary delights and crafts - and it ended with some great photography (compliments of moi. So, what possibly could have brought me down? How about the fact that everyone was pregnant. Everyone.

Young women, older women, single women, married women, fat women, thin women, elegant women, shlumpy women, women with small children, women with older children, women who clearly had no other children, and girls who were far to young to be pregnant. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.

GRRRRRR. Is there something in the water? Am I missing something? Why not me?

And, to make matters worse, every step I took was accompanied by a disgusting "ssshhhhllluuurrrmmmppphhh" sound because of the veritable waterfall flowing between my short an stubby legs. I have my period. BIG TIME. I felt like I had wet my pants. It was so gross. I hate being out on hot summer days when I have my period.

On another note, I'm starting yoga tomorrow. Hoping it will help me relax and fend off this horrendous depression that leaves me in tears on a daily basis.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

All things pregnancy-related

So...I've noticed a theme.

When DH asked me last week what movie I wanted to see (same question my mom had asked me earlier), the only one I really wanted to see was "Baby Momma" (see below).

And I also have a TV in my cubicle at work because I'm in a field where I'm supposed to keep up on current events 24/7. Yeah whatever.

Anyway, turns out that the TV in my cubicle has cable. I only have one channel at home, so cable TV at work makes it ridiculously hard to focus.

Anyway, since I haven't had any work to do for, oh, about 8 months (seriously...that's why I want to leave), I've been watching a lot of TLC. And y'know what show runs on a freaking loop? "Bringing baby home". Yeah...that show where a bunch of yuppies who have NO idea of how to care for a baby, actually give birth to their first child and then take it home for, what they seem to feel is, the dreaded "first 36 hours of life", when they demonstrate how awkward they are with their baby and how they have to rely on a bunch of books to figure out how to hold the baby, how to touch the baby, how to talk to the baby, etc.

It makes me so annoyed, because I can walk into any room and just pick up a baby and be 100% natural and comfortable with a baby. Seriously. Several people have commented on how I'm the most natural person with a baby, and they can't believe I don't have any of my own. Anyway, suffice it to say that it's probably not healthy for me to be watching that shit. It's not making me happier.


Ok, anyway, to continue with the 'pregnancy' theme, I should also tell you that unny is away on business tonight, so to pass the time I decided to rent a movie...and what did I rent?....Juno...

Yeah...that movie about that very fertile 16 year old. I enjoyed the movie thoroughly, although the infertile couple who is supposed to adopt Juno's baby was frightening to me...but only because I FEAR becoming like the wife. I'm so worried that DH won't be able to handle my baby-obsessiveness forever.

On a completely unrelated note (well, not COMPLETELY unrelated note...'cause it still has to do with my not being able to get pregnant), I've been receiving acupuncture treatment for some unhealed sprained ankles, and I suddenly wondered if I should consider it for fertility.

I've actually reached that point. I mean, several months ago, after the second month that I didn't get pregnant, I was reading on baby and bump about all these infertile women who have regular acupuncture sessions to try and help them conceive. And I thought "Whoa...scary. Those chicks'll try anything to get pregnant". And. Now. Here I am. This whole TTC thing has been one big exercise in eating my words.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

There IS a God

Holy f*ck!!!
You guys will NOT....NOT believe this. Ok. Go and read the post right
below this one, then come back and read this.

Ok...would you believe that less than 5 minutes after I posted that last
post, I got a job offer from an organization I've been dying to work
for?????

YES YES YES YES YES!!!

Big BIG frustrations

Do you know what one of the biggest frustrations is for me regarding not being able to get pregnant?

The fact that I've been consoling myself for the past 9 months with the thought that I wouldn't have to stay in this f**king job much longer because "I'm about to get pregnant, and then there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel".

With each and ever passing month, and each and every passing period, my job situation gets more and more frustrating. This place...this office in which I work, is falling apart. Everyone is always upset, everyone is looking for new jobs, everyone is starting to hate each other, and no
one is acting professionally or cordially anymore. And I'm stuck here.

I cannot delude myself anymore. The truth is that I can no longer use my 'imminent' pregnancy as an excuse to "not let these office politics get to me". The truth is that they DO get to me...and I may have to be here for a long while longer.

Monday, May 5, 2008

BBQ

Ahhh...tonight was nice. I wasn't depressed even once. My mind was occupied because we had a few friends over for a BBQ (our first of the summer!). We hadn't seen these friends in a little while, so it was nice to catch up. And they have this cute little new puppy that they brought along. Very adorable.

Anyway, it wasn't until they left that the wheels in my head started spinning down the TTC/infertility path. Ugh. But, I have to be thankful. At least from the house of 4:30 - 9:30pm, my mind was free from the torture of TTC-related depression.

Speaking of TTC-related depression, I'm seriously considering asking the RE for a referral to the psychiatrist in his clinic, when I go to see him on May 20th. I cried so much and so hard yesterday (and the day before that), that I just can't imagine not being considered at least moderately depressed. Then, I started reading the "Conquering Infertility" book that I've mentioned a few times in my blog, and it listed some 'risk factors' for mild and severe depression. Unfortunately, I came up with enough of the factors to be "severely depressed". And yesterday...I definitely felt it. I almost drowned in the tears that wouldn't absorb into my already drenched pillow.

Oh...and one more thing. I had two "When are you getting pregnant?" incidents at work this afternoon. Two people, who haven't got a clue that I''m TTC, just flat out asked me "So..when are you getting pregnant?", to which I expertly shrugged my shoulders and with a big smile said "I dunno! We'll see!" (even though I was secretly dying inside). I'm getting good at that response and reaction. I hate that fact.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Crying

I've been doing a lot of crying lately. And y'know what's weird about it? That I feel fine and dandy and then all of the sudden, I just fall into a complete funk and start crying about not being pregnant. I think it might be PMS-related. I'm on CD23 today, which means my period is exactly one week away. Either that...or pregnancy related emotional changes. HIGHLY unlikely. But I can hope, right? Of course I can...and then I can be crushed, just like all the other months. Sigh..

I went out a bought the "Conquering Infertility" book today (or, as the guy from Chapters who was searching for the book for DH spelled it "Conquering INFURTILITY"). I'm REALLY hoping that this book helps me get out of this rut. I simply can't imagine surviving another year of TTC in this state. I think I'd die of depression in the mean time. I honestly don't know how some women do it. They try, unsuccessfully for 2, 3, 4, 5 or more years...and nothing. I don't know how they survive it. It would fundamentally change who I was. I would be a shadow of myself. I would lose my identity. I would be nothing more than than a hormonal machine, operating on two week cycles of hope and despair. I would die.
I pray. I PRAY that it doesn't come to that. I just don't know how I would handle it.
My mother calls me every day and seems to want to make me cry. Even on the days when I'm feeling fine, she asks me "How are you feeling...y'know...mentally?". I usually lie and said "Y'know..fine, I guess....nothing new. I'm fine". And then she launches into the same speech every day about how I have to have hope, and how there's "just no way you'll end up childless". She then reminds me that she's praying for me, and that there's absolutely no reason for me to think that I'm infertile. This hypothyroidism is just a small set back, and that I need to learn that life is full of set backs. In fact, she wants to sit me down next time I'm in town visiting her, to tell me all about all the set backs her and my father faced through life (yeah, that ought to make me feel all better).
She asks me all sorts of questions that seem to be attempting to draw sobs out of me. So, today I just said "Look....I'm in a shopping mall trying on dresses. I was doing fine and now I'm on the verge of tears. Must we do this every day? Do I have to cry all the time? You seem to make me cry about this every time we chat, and then you end the conversation by saying "Gosh... I just can't believe how emotional you are about this. It's making me so sad. I can barely sleep at night knowing that you're in this state!"
I love her and all...but my gosh!! Sometimes it's a little too much. I know, with all my heart, that she wants the best for me. I know that she thinks she's making it better for me, but I'm not sure if it's helping. I just know that I usually cry a lot after our phone calls.
How do you guys deal with infertility/TTC stuff? Do you have frequent breakdowns? I'd love to hear that I'm normal. Let me know if you're like me!

Friday, May 2, 2008

GREAT advice!

***NEWS ALERT NEWS ALERT***

I just got off the phone with my mother, who had returned from her doctor's appointment, with an arm load of fertility advice for me. Chief among the smartest tidbits:
Just relax and let it happen. Stress will make you infertile. The more you stress, the longer it will take you to conceive. Just RELAX and before you know it, you'll have your arms full of babies!

I felt that I had moral responsibility to share this brand spanking new fertility advice.

Now go. Relax.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Sorry I haven't been posting so much lately

I've been having a couple of rough days. Mostly I just start crying and getting upset about not being pregnant. There's a book out that I think I might need to buy. It's by a doctor who writes about how to conquer infertility (in the emotional sense, I think). I read a synopsis of the book, and it was freightening how typical I am. All the bloody thoughts that run through my head, all my fears, all my sobfests, all the issues I'm internalizing...It's just so typical. So much so, that it's all written about in this book.

For any of my readers who are feeling the emotional toll of infertility or simply the inability to conceive at the drop of a hat, I'm going to recommend this book, even before having read it.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Baby Mama -- Official Theatrical Trailer

Boy, do I wanna see this movie. The trailer is just so funny...and not even because of how I can relate to a couple of the TTC elements...but just because it's funny, stupid and exactly the kind of film I need to see.
I had a really down day today. I had been feeling so good for a couple weeks, but then today I just spiraled down into a really depressed afternoon. I cried on the phone to my mom, who recommended that I go to the movies to make myself feel better.
She asked "Is there any particular movie that you've been wanting to see?" and I sobbed "Yes...it's called "Baby Mama""
And she said "Ok..what's that about? Will it make you feel better?"
And I said "It's about a woman who can't conceive".
It was one of those funny "you-had-to-be-there" kind of moments.

Whoa!

Hello people!
I cannot believe how many hits I've gotten from my post about Vicki Saporta's anti-Bill C484 editorial. Who knew anyone was reading??

I would like to apologize for all the expletives in the post. Really, I know it made many people uncomfortable, and I'll definitely keep that in mind for future posts, but it just so clearly demonstrated how I was feeling at the time.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello to all the readers and I wanted to THANK YOU so so much for actually taking the time to read the post! What's more, is that I wanted to doubly thank you for sticking with the post and reading the post in spite of the terrible formatting. Every few days blogger goes through this problem where it doesn't allow you to put any lines between your paragraphs! It's just awful. So, thank you for reading the incredibly long post in spite of all that.

I really hope that I can keep writing interesting, thought provoking material like that. And please, please, let me know what you think in the comments -good or bad! I just live for comments :)

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I dislike stupid people

You know, I don't have crazy-strong views on abortion, and I'm not usually one to get all riled up about the issue. But I totally and completely object to a pro-abortion activist writing an op-ed piece in my city's newspaper, that flat out mocks my intelligence. I was so so so so angry after reading this article that I didn't even know where to begin in tearing it apart. That's the beauty of blogging - I get to sit and plan out my attack, then edit it, and finally post something semi-coherent for all the world to read.

Here it goes.

First off, let me state my views on abortion. I don't like the idea. It makes me uncomfortable. In an ideal world, it wouldn't exist...and we wouldn't ever need it. That's the beauty of an ideal world...we don't have to have awful things like abortion, because people never make mistakes that make them reach for abortions as a solution to their problems.


So, why can't I come out entirely against abortion? Because, if I'm intellectually honest with myself and others, I have to admit that, had I fallen pregnant when I first began having sex (which, admittedly was before I was in a completely committed relationship or married), I probably would've had an abortion. In fact, during the couple of times when I actually had pregnancy scares in my late teens, early twenties, I was almost positive that I'd have an abortion if I was pregnant.


So, that's that. I don't like abortion. It's messy ethically and it kills a baby. It does. But, I considered it as a solution to my pregnancy scares, so it would be hypocritical of me to oppose it completely. I do not, however, buy into the whole "a woman's right to choose" argument, when it's used to completely ignore and discredit the rights of the living child inside of her. I think that we have to acknowledge both the mother's and the child's rights and strike a balance.


Now, let's turn to the op-ed piece that angered me so:


Vicki Saporta, who is President and CEO of the National Abortion Foundation, wrote this op-ed against Bill C-484, which seeks to give an unborn child the status of 'victim', when that child is injured or killed as a result of an attack on a pregnant woman. So, if a pregnant woman is murdered, her killer can be charged with the murder of two people.


Below is the article, with my thoughts/rants sprinkled throughout:


The loss of a wanted pregnancy is a tragic event. Whether it comes at the hand of a partner in an act of rage, or at the hand of a stranger in the perpetration of a crime, we can all agree that the woman who has had her pregnancy taken away from her has suffered a tremendous loss. Her life will never be the same.

It starts off nicely, although I'm suspicious of her introduction because I think she's using these platitudes as a means of gaining credibility when, in fact, her subsequent arguments have absolutely nothing to do with these obvious 'niceties'.

When a pregnant woman is killed, her family understandably feels the impact of the tragedy in complex ways.We can all agree that whoever has committed this crime and has caused this pain deserves to be punished.

True.

Where we differ is how we define the crime that will be punished, and what is the best way to deter and prevent this type of criminal activity.

Do we do so in a way that potentially erodes Supreme Court precedent and Canadian women's right to safe and legal abortion? Or can we find another approach that respects Canadian law, acknowledges the harm that has occurred, and prevents this from happening to other women?

GASP!!!

Oh no! A new law that could "potentially erode Supreme Court precedent" ?!?!

How many of you wanna bet that Vicki Saporta wouldn't give a rat's ass about Supreme Court precedent if said court had previously ruled against allowing abortions in Canada?

Besides, what the hell kind of argument against Bill C-484 is this anyway? She's claiming that one of the bad things about the Bill is that it challenges a previous court ruling. Umm...hello?? Why is that a bad thing? What is this, a dictatorship? Where are we, China? "Ohhh nooo....we can't consider your arguments because they oppose the Government's position".

Bottom line, she is arguing that her pro-abortion stance is favorable because it doesn't challenge any pre-existing legislation. That's crap. There's nothing wrong with challenging pre-existing legislation, especially if that legislation is wrong.

Creating a new crime of "causing injury to or the death of a fetus" is an idea being advanced by staunch opponents of abortion in Parliament.

Ahhh, the famous guilt-by-association argument. Here, Vicki is telling readers who they will be siding with if they dare support Bill C-484. It's fear mongering. She assumes that readers will shutter, as she does, at the mere suggestion that they might fall in the same ideological camp as "abortion opponents".

While this approach strikes a chord with those who oppose abortion, the fact remains that it will have negligible deterrent effect and could drastically change Canadian law. Lynn Paltrow, a well-known U.S. advocate for pregnant women, has argued that Unborn Victims of Violence laws in the U.S. have not resulted in a reduction of violence against women.

a)

Exactly how does Saporta know that it is a "fact" that the legislation will have "negligible deterrent effect"?

b)

Again, why is she trying to scare us by claiming the Bill could "drastically change Canadian law"? Why is this a bad thing? Why is this supposed to scare us? Laws change all the time. BFD.

c)

Saporta is arguing against this Bill by saying that a similar law in the U.S. has not resulted in a reduction of violence against women. This is the argument that angered me most.

Let's be very clear on something. The purpose of the law is not, repeat IS NOT to reduce violence against pregnant women. That is where Saporta is 100% wrong. The purpose of the law is to fairly and properly punish people who injure or kill a pregnant woman (which means the woman and her unborn child). The reason the law is being proposed is because a great number of Canadians believe that charging a person with one count of murder after they murder a pregnant woman, is insufficient because that person actually killed two people - the woman and her child.

Let me show you how stupid Saporta's argument is:

Saying that we should not support Bill C-484 because it "will not result in a reduction of violence against women", is the same as saying that there's no point in making it illegal to drive drunk, because drunk driving charges do not bring back the victims killed in crashes by drunk drivers.

How stupid is that? While we're at it, why don't we just get rid of child abuse laws. After all, charging parents who sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally abuse their children, doesn't erase the "hurt" their children have experienced, so the laws must be useless, right?

In fact to the contrary, she argues that a law which merely implies rights for the fetus as separate from those of the pregnant woman, no matter how carefully written, can become the basis for policing and arresting women. This is based on a significant amount of legal research.

Another case of fear mongering. This is the classic "slippery slope" argument. Saporta is saying that we shouldn't even consider this legislation because someday in the future, someone might twist, abuse and change the law in such a way that would disadvantage women.

Of course, Saporta doesn't back up any of her claims with examples because she's afraid readers might agree with the new laws that could become the basis for "policing and arresting women". She doesn't tell you that Bill C-484 might, at some point in the future, open the door to legislation that would make it a crime for a pregnant woman to snort crack and smash her womb with a crowbar when she knows she's pregnant.

Now, I'm not saying that I necessarily agree with legislation that would make it a crime for a woman to lead an unhealthy life while she is pregnant, but I am saying that Saporta is intellectually dishonest for trying to hide this type of example from readers. She knows that many readers would agree with such legislation, so better for her not to write about it.

Oh, and don't you just love how she throws in that last line: "This is based on a significant amount of legal research."
WTF? What is based on "a significant amount of legal research"? Her assumption that Bill C-484 will lead to abuse of women's rights? What is she, psychic? How the hell can she, or any legal researcher for that matter, know that? She is full of shit.

Such a law may punish women rather than protect them. By recognizing a developing fetus as a victim of a crime separate from a woman, this legislation could erode Canadian women's right to safe and legal abortion by treading closer to the line of bestowing legal rights on a fetus, a concept clearly at odds with existing Canadian law.

Ahh. Finally, Saporta is being honest. The real reason she opposes Bill C-484 is because she's afraid it could curb women's rights to have an abortion.

Y'know what really pisses me off? Pro-abortionists refuse to admit that a fetus should have rights, because all they want to talk about are a woman's rights to an abortion. Saporta says it flat out right there. I'm paraphrasing here, but only so that it's crystal clear to my readers.

She's saying "We can't recognize a developing fetus as a victim of a crime, because giving a fetus the right to life, we might have to consider opposing abortions". See what she does there?

If Saporta argued that a fetus shouldn't have the right to life because it's part of the mother's body until the umbilical cord is cut, or if she argued that she just didn't believe a fetus should have the right to life until it emerged from its mother's body, then I might be able to respect her argument (even if I disagreed with it). But what angers me so much, is that Saporta is saying that she's not willing to even consider the rights of the fetus because all she can care about is the right of a woman to have an abortion.

Such a law could create tension with Supreme Court rulings finding that a person must be born to have legal status in Canada, a major goal of anti-abortion advocates. It is disingenuous to ignore the fact that this approach attacks another belief that a majority of Canadians adhere to -- the right of a woman to decide whether and when to have a child.

Well, I happen to think that it's disingenuous for Sarpota to try and convince people to side with her by claiming that "a majority of Canadians" already agree with her. So what? So if a majority of Canadians believe one thing, then it must be correct? And, what's more, is that she's suggesting that it's not right to oppose something that the majority of Canadians support.

And by the way, who the hell says that the majority of Canadians agree with Saporta?

The sponsor of this legislation, MP Ken Epp, claims that this bill is not about abortion because it exempts legal abortions, some medical treatment, and the conduct of women. But it is impossible to separate this proposed legislation from its sponsor, a well-known opponent of legal abortion. Nowhere in the bill is the harm to the woman resulting from an attack terminating her pregnancy mentioned.

Violence against women continues to be a significant problem in Canada, and violence often increases when a woman is pregnant.

Instead of focusing on real solutions to violence against women, the bill deliberately shifts the focus away from the women, who are truly the victims of these heinous crimes.

Ummm, no, that's the point. This Bill isn't "shifting the focus away from women", it's finally placing the focus on fetuses, who are equal victims in the murders of pregnant women.

Existing legislation, which does not give fetuses equal status under the law, only focuses on the rights of women. This Bill doesn't shift the focus away from women, it shines a new light on the victims who, until now, have been entirely ignored. Thinking people can consider both the women and the fetuses as victims. It's ideologues like Saporta who are only able to focus on one victim.

The National Abortion Federation (NAF), the professional association of abortion providers in Canada and the U.S., fully supports a woman's right to choose to carry a pregnancy to term.

Well, fan-f**king-tastic. Thank you for telling me that. I'm so glad you cleared that up. But really, is there even a question about that? Hello?? Is there ANYONE in the world that doesn't support a woman's right to carry a pregnancy to term?

This is a non-point. This is the stupidest thing she says.

Before I go on, I just want to state, with complete clarity, that I fully support Saporta's right to have two arms and two legs. Look how wonderful and liberal I am.

Because this bill does nothing to protect women from violence and indeed does not even acknowledge their loss, and because its possible consequences include casting doubt over well-established Canadian law, NAF opposes C-484.

And y'know what? Because this bill does nothing to reduce Canada's greenhouse gases, and because it means that the criminal code of Canada might end up having one additional page of laws, I oppose C-484.

Is she serious? That's the only way Saporta will support new legislation? It has to clearly lead to a reduction in violence toward women, or else it doesn't win her support? Is she retarded?

The Canadian government should instead offer concrete solutions to the problem of violence against women.

Why must this be the only goal of the Government? Here, the Government is going to discuss the rights of fetuses. Why is this bad? Why isn't this worthwhile? Why can't we discuss both the rights of the fetus and innovative ways of reducing violence against all people?

It should increase funding to programs for the prevention of violence against women and ease funding restrictions for research and advocacy groups.

Blah blah blah. Yeah, let's just throw money at these existing programs that aren't working. That oughta solve the problem.

Finally, we hope that supporters of this legislation rethink their divisive approach, and instead focus their efforts on finding a solution to violence against women that all Canadians can agree upon.

Vicki Saporta is president and CEO of the National Abortion Federation.

She is also a complete f**king idiot.

I'm FREEEEEEEE!

Boy, do I love my freedom. And you can bet, that after two, back to back, three-day yom tovim (holidays), I sure do appreciate my freedom that my more. Freedom to use my laptop whenever I want, freedom to switch on and off lights as necessary, freedom to cook yummy food at a whim, freedom to watch tv.

I'm very proud of DH and I. We made it through this pesach. We didn't have any extravagant food, no fancy shmancy pesach dishes - just the necessities. The second three-day yom tov, the one that just passed, was very low key for us. We only had one invitation to eat at someone's house, and the folks we invited to our place ended up cancelling. So, it was very quiet, with lots of time to catch up on reading, sleeping and walking through our gorgeous neighbourhood. Fine by me!

Anyway, all that is to say, it was lovely to have to have some time off, but by the end it felt like a little too much time. I'm happy to be back. I hope you're all still here and reading. Please let me know if you are!! I love comments.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I'm back, I'm sick and I'm getting better...

I'm back from Toronto and it was a pretty good trip. Lots of good food and seeing family was nice. It's tough getting used to the differences between DH's family and my own, but that's all I'll say. The truth is that both families hosted nice seders and everyone was nice and welcoming and showed us a great time. It was all good. I'm just still adjusting to a new family.

As soon as we got to Toronto, it became clear that my sniffles were quickly becoming a full blown cold and sinus infection. The kicker? I could feel the cold crawling south...to my lungs. I hate coughs!! I know, I know...everyone hates coughs. But I especially hate coughs because the cause me to have intense bouts of insomnia. When I spend two nights without sleep because of incessant coughing, I usually spiral into a cycle of insomnia, where I don't sleep for a week after that. Ugh...this is going to suck.

Now the good news. As I mentioned before, my friend works as a lab technician in a hospital and offered to draw some blood and do a TSH test for me while I was visiting Toronto. Well, late last night she drew my blood and ran the tests this morning and my TSH came back at 37.....that's over 70 points lower than it was three weeks ago. Great, eh? We're headed in the right direction. Of course, I say "great", but I really feel bitter sweet about it because I'm still totally worrying that the last 35 points will take me months to drop.

I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday, so I think I'll ask her to consider increasing my dose to help ensure that my TSH can be at 2.0 within one months time. It's a pipe dream, I know, but it's worth a shot.

Ok, I'm off to bed....Exhausted!!...G'night

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I cannot accept this

I can't accept this. I can't accept what is happening to me.

I read about other people who are going through the same thing as me or who have gone through the same thing as me, and all I can think is "No NO NO NO. This is not fair. Not me. If it took her 14 months to get her TSH down into the healthy ranges, then it's only because she didn't want it badly enough. If they've been trying to conceive without success for 6 months after getting her TSH into the normal range, then they must be doing something wrong. I'm going to get my TSH into order in two months...tops. I don't care that my launching point with hypothyroidism was at such an extreme level that there's actually very little literature about it. I don't care. Two months. That's all I'm giving myself. And then, it should only take me one month to conceive".

Then, of course, I burst into tears, because deep down I know that I might have to start preparing myself for a much longer wait. Realistically, if it took someone else a year to get their TSH in order, then maybe it will take me the same. I think I will die. I honestly don't think I'll survive that long. I know I know...you're all thinking "What will you die of? You don't die of infertility...". It's true...I don't know what I'd die of, but deep down, I have this terrible feeling that I won't make it. I mean...look at me...here I am, 6 months of trying, one month after being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and I'm CRACKING. I am completely falling apart. I am depressed. I break down and sob several times per day. I am driving my poor husband insane (even though he's nice enough not to tell me so), and it's driving me insane that he's going about his life, productive as always, seemingly unaffected by this whole infertility thing.

And moreover, the acquaintance of mine (who I end up seeing on an almost daily basis), who started TTC the same month as me, is going to have her baby and I won't even be pregnant yet. That is killing me. It's absolutely tearing me apart. I know what she's thinking every time she sees me. I know she's wondering what's the deal. I stupidly told her how badly we wanted a baby. I mean, how was I to know that, months later, we still wouldn't be pregnant and I'd be wishing I'd downplayed my desire for a baby to her. Now, I know that when she sees me, she knows that I'm desperate to be pregnant and I'm not. She even glances at my stomach every single day. I see it every single day. It eats me up inside.

I mentioned to DH that I think I might need to go on medication for depression/anxiety related to TTC. He's very squeamish about that stuff. He doesn't like psychiatrists, therapists, anti-depressants. He just wants to hug. He thinks that hugs make him feel better, so that's what he offers me...well, that plus his rational, logical thought processes related to all my troubles - which doesn't usually make me feel better. Being pregnant will make me feel better. Anyway, I'm going to have to just look into the medication myself. I seriously wonder whether I'll have a complete emotional and mental breakdown without it. I don't think I'm headed in a very good direction here. I need something, 'cause I'm this close to cracking.

Thank God I'm going to spent four days with my mother, father and in-laws....that ought to make me feel much better. Yeah.

Things might get a little quiet...

As I've mentioned, Pasover is just around the corner, which means I'll be cutting off a technological ties to the modern world. No TV, no internet, no radio, no cars, no Mp3, no commerce...no blogging...for three days. I'll be signing off officially tomorrow evening and I should be back on the blog sometime on Tuesday. I hope you don't all forget about me in the mean time! I'm sure I'll have PLENTY of annoyances over the weekend, as I get together with my family, all of whom probably want to know why I'm not pregnant.
Should be fun.

Depressed and Cooking

Ugh...I just feel so down tonight. I've been on the verge of tears since around 5pm and I can't pull myself out of it. Of course, when one feels as lousy and down as I do now, things just magically screw up more often than they do when you're in a great mood and more in a frame of mind to handle problems.

I went on a cooking spree tonight. I was preparing some dishes for our passover seders (meals) that my mother asked me to bring from Ottawa. I planned on making biscotti, brownies and two large kugels.

I spent a bunch of time making the biscotti, only to have my oven go haywire and char the whole lot. DH sliced off the tops and bottoms of my biscotti to try and salvage them, but I still ended up losing about half of the dough, so rather than bring a whole bunch of biscotti over to my parents, I'm only bringing a small tin.

The brownies seemed to be going well, until I asked DH to pull the pans out of the oven to check them. Using his usual method of pulling things out of the oven , he reached into the oven with only a thin kitchen cloth, pulled the pan out without supporting the center, and ended up causing the whole top of the brownies to crack and crumble. Apparently real chefs (which he seems to consider himself one of) don't use oven mitts.

I can't decide whether the pan of cracked/crumbled brownies will be the ones I give to his parents or mine...There are pros and cons to both choices. I'd like to give my parents the nicer pan, but if I do that, I can just see his mother and sister glancing at each other disapprovingly when I uncovered my cracked brownies in their kitchen.

Then I set out to make the two large kugels (same recipe). This kugel was a special vegetable kugel, containing celery, spinach, red peppers, green peppers, onions and carrots. Very very colourful, but also very time consuming to make because all the vegetables had to be diced tiny and then sauteed. They look good, though!...I haven't pulled them from the oven yet, so I'll have to let you know how they turn out later.

The good thing about the kugels, though, is that I realized I'd need an extra-good knife to do all the chopping and dicing, so I pulled out my freshly toiveled "Faberware" knife (which will not be used for pesach in the future) and discovered that it is, hands down, the best knife I've ever had. Holy shit. That's all I can really say. I looked like a real chef with all my fancy (and fast) chopping and dicing. Totally completely worth the $10 I spent on it. Yeah, I'm serious. No joke. No, I'm not pulling your leg....Home Sense.
(See what I did there? I totally anticipated all your comments.... :P LOL )

I think I'm coming down with a sinus cold. It might already be here, actually. Y'know what's the weirdest thing about it? It is affecting exactly half my face: one cheek, one nostril, one eye...It's painful too! I've already booked off a half day of work tomorrow, and I'm thinking it would be great for morale if I took the morning off too. This would be legit, though, 'cause I really am under the weather. I dunno. I'll have to see.

So, do you think I should speak with a doctor about some anti-depressants? I'm weary of their effectiveness for me, because I really do think I have valid reasons for feeling depressed. I mean, aren't anti-depressant designed to help people who have "depression" (ie. feeling blue for no reason, feeling more anxiety over things than really necessary, etc.)? I can't imagine that an anti-depressant would make someone feel better if they were honestly going through something terrible in their life. Does that make any sense? Sorry, it's late.

If someone is just told they have cancer, is an anti-depressant going to make them feel less depressed? I mean...they have cancer, so of course they're depressed!

So, that's why I'm wondering about the effectiveness of an anti-depressant for me. I mean, granted, I know I haven't been diagnosed with cancer, thank God. But I have been diagnosed with something more minor which, nevertheless, does impact my life greatly. And I'm also constantly surrounded by pregnant women, who are just reminders that I'm broken and can't seem to conceive on my own schedule (or maybe forever?).

I'm depressed because DH and I dreamed of having 4 or 5 kids, and I feel him becoming an "old daddy" with every passing day. I feel that, by the time we have our child, that dream of 4 or 5 kids, simply won't be realistic. I'm crushed. And I'm just mostly crushed by the fact that I'm not pregnant. I've wanted to be pregnant for months. I'm sick of waiting. I am, honest to goodness, the least patient person on the planet. Ever. This wait is tortuous for me. It's forcing me to confront my most hated things in the world: long waits and the need to put my trust and fate in the hands of other people....many of whom have already proven themselves to be entirely untrustworthy/incompetent.

I was valedictorian of the "if you want something done right, do it yourself"school of thought, so when I have to leave my entire fertility and chances of getting pregnant this decade, in the 'capable' hands of doctors who always seem to screw something up, then "yes", I admit that I'm very extremely bothered by that. It does engender a strong sense of futility, despair and hopelessness deep within me.

All that is to say....I'm feeling really depressed. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. This sucks, and I'm not in the mood to put on a brave face right now, especially since I'll be visiting family this weekend, who will undoubtedly ask the "Soooo...when you starting a family??" question. I don't think I could even muster up a response to that one. I'll probably just run away in tears.

Oh yes, looking forward to this weekend.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

That pregnant girl...

There's this woman at my work who's about 7 months pregnant, but who looks about 12 months pregnant because she's about 4 feet tall and normally weighs about 80 pounds. Whenever asked whether she's excited about having her first baby, she makes no bones about the fact that "this kid was an accident". Charming.

Y'know, at first I'd just roll my eyes and think "Gee, how classy of her to tell everyone that her pregnancy was a mistake...", but now I'm beginning to get very upset every time I hear her complain about every single aspect of her pregnancy. Ahhh heck, who am I kidding? I'm not starting to get very upset, this has actually been pissing me off for a while now.

She refers to her baby as "it", as in "Ewww...it moved again and it made my stomach giggle. I wish it would stop doing that!" and "If it thinks it's going to have a crib in our bedroom after it's born, it has another thing coming...I'm gonna break it of that bad habit (ie. wanting to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's room) from day one!"

Apparently the ultrasound consultants have informed her that she's expecting a baby boy (she explained "Shit, the pregnancy was enough of a surprise. I certainly wasn't going to wait to find out its gender". Whenever someone says to her "Gee...you really look like you're going to have a girl!", she exclaims "Well, this thing better be a fucking boy, 'cause I'll freak if they got it wrong after I bought all that stuff for it".

Oh...and she drinks. Ok, I admit I haven't seen her get, like, drunk or anything, but at our office Christmas party, when she was 3 months pregnant or so, she totally took a large cup of booze!

Why is the world so unfair? Why is she having a baby and not me? I feel so sorry for her baby already.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Another annoying thing

Lately, my mother has been doing this thing, which I assume she does because she thinks it makes me feel better. But, the truth is that it makes me cringe! Whenever we chat on the phone, which is every day for about an hour, she talks about someone else's baby, mentions how amazingly adorable they are, and then says "Wow...I just can't wait until you have yours. I just know you're going to love it. I can't wait!!".
I think that continuously saying things like that is her way of reassuring me that there's absolutely no doubt in her mind that I will eventually get pregnant. Like, she won't even contemplate the possibility that I might never get pregnant or that, at least, it might take a long while to happen.
Tonight I mentioned to her that I'm not ready to use phrases like "When I get pregnant", or "Sure, you can spend two weeks in our apartment when I give birth to my yet-to-be-conceived child". I just don't want to talk like that. I don't want to set myself up for even greater grief than I know I would feel if I couldn't ever get pregnant. I think that, at the very least, I'm making things better for myself by not getting ahead of myself. But then again, who really knows? Maybe I'm just bottling all this desire up inside and setting myself up for an eventual explosion and/or meltdown.
When I mentioned to my mother that I wasn't getting ahead of myself and talking about pregnancy and children, she kind of scolded me and said "But you have to have hope. You have no idea how bad negativity is for you. You need resolve and trust and hope that you will get pregnant".
She's probably right, and I'm probably being melodramatic, but that's the head space I'm in right now. A tiny part of me always believed, deep down, that I would have trouble conceiving. And, here we are, having trouble conceiving. So, since a tiny part of me seriously cannot envision myself ever getting that positive pregnancy test, I'm just not ready to ignore that feeling. I can picture myself with babies, although even that vision sometimes seems too good to ever be true, but I just don't picture myself getting that BFP.
Ok. I'm gonna go cry now.

Preparing for Pesach (aka Passover)

This week marks, perhaps the busiest week of the year for Jewish people. It's the week before Passover and we're all busy getting our homes, ourselves and, most importantly, our kitchens ready for this holiday of unleavened bread.
For those of you who aren't aware of what is involved in this holiday, I'll give you a brief and very summarized explanation. The holiday of Passover commemorates the Jews' freedom from generations of slavery in ancient Egypt. Y'know the pyramids? Yeah. That was us.
Anyway, apparently Pharoah had a brief change of heart about the slavery, and when Moses commanded "let my people go", Pharoah responded "alright...take 'em and go". So, the Jews very quickly prepared to leave Egypt (on foot, of course) and headed for the big, vast, merciless desert, where they would wander for forty years. The reason we eat "matzah" (unleavened bread, which looks like a cracker and tastes like the cardboard box in which it's packaged) is to commemorate the fact that the Jews had to flee Egypt so quickly (so as not to allow Pharoah time to change his mind and force them back into slavery), that they didn't even have the 18 minutes of time required to allow their loaves of bread to rise before baking.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "So...what's the big deal? You can't eat bread for eight days, so what?" The truth is, though, that it's actually much stricter than that. We don't consume any leavening agents whatsoever. That includes all flours, yeasts, legumes, and other such products. That means...no bread, pasta, pita, beans, rice, oats, etc. etc. etc. And, of course, it's not enough that we can't eat them, but we also have to ensure that not a single solitary crumb of bread (or other aforementioned types of food) are left in our homes. As such, we must clean every room, every nook and every cranny in our homes. The bedrooms, the bathrooms, the closets, the cupboards, etc. We also have to change all of our dishes, so as to ensure we don't come into contact with dishes that have touched said food products. I know, we're insane.
So, as you can imagine, this being the week before Passover, Jews around the world are ridiculously busy cleaning their homes and getting themselves ready for this eight day holiday.
Being spoiled and lazy, I paid my cleaning lady to spend some additional 'quality time' (ie. cleaning) with me. She helped me clean out my kitchen and all the bookshelves in my home. I love her.
Tomorrow I'll start cooking. I'm making three large batches of Passover-friendly biscotti (without flour!! I know...it's amazing), as well as some zucchini frittata concoction that we're serving at our first seder (traditional ritual dinner).
Ok, lots to do...so I'll end with that. To all my Jewish readers (I dunno...do I have any readers at all?), have a joyful and kosher Pesach.

Monday, April 14, 2008

It's the little things

Hubby and I both had stressful days at work today. We were driving home and I just said "Hey...let's go for a big ice cream!". And we did. And we both have ice cream tummy aches now. But it was yummy and worth it. Sometimes we just need a little sugar-induced pick me up, y'know. You should try it!

This is what I had. Highly recommended.