Thursday, April 17, 2008

Depressed and Cooking

Ugh...I just feel so down tonight. I've been on the verge of tears since around 5pm and I can't pull myself out of it. Of course, when one feels as lousy and down as I do now, things just magically screw up more often than they do when you're in a great mood and more in a frame of mind to handle problems.

I went on a cooking spree tonight. I was preparing some dishes for our passover seders (meals) that my mother asked me to bring from Ottawa. I planned on making biscotti, brownies and two large kugels.

I spent a bunch of time making the biscotti, only to have my oven go haywire and char the whole lot. DH sliced off the tops and bottoms of my biscotti to try and salvage them, but I still ended up losing about half of the dough, so rather than bring a whole bunch of biscotti over to my parents, I'm only bringing a small tin.

The brownies seemed to be going well, until I asked DH to pull the pans out of the oven to check them. Using his usual method of pulling things out of the oven , he reached into the oven with only a thin kitchen cloth, pulled the pan out without supporting the center, and ended up causing the whole top of the brownies to crack and crumble. Apparently real chefs (which he seems to consider himself one of) don't use oven mitts.

I can't decide whether the pan of cracked/crumbled brownies will be the ones I give to his parents or mine...There are pros and cons to both choices. I'd like to give my parents the nicer pan, but if I do that, I can just see his mother and sister glancing at each other disapprovingly when I uncovered my cracked brownies in their kitchen.

Then I set out to make the two large kugels (same recipe). This kugel was a special vegetable kugel, containing celery, spinach, red peppers, green peppers, onions and carrots. Very very colourful, but also very time consuming to make because all the vegetables had to be diced tiny and then sauteed. They look good, though!...I haven't pulled them from the oven yet, so I'll have to let you know how they turn out later.

The good thing about the kugels, though, is that I realized I'd need an extra-good knife to do all the chopping and dicing, so I pulled out my freshly toiveled "Faberware" knife (which will not be used for pesach in the future) and discovered that it is, hands down, the best knife I've ever had. Holy shit. That's all I can really say. I looked like a real chef with all my fancy (and fast) chopping and dicing. Totally completely worth the $10 I spent on it. Yeah, I'm serious. No joke. No, I'm not pulling your leg....Home Sense.
(See what I did there? I totally anticipated all your comments.... :P LOL )

I think I'm coming down with a sinus cold. It might already be here, actually. Y'know what's the weirdest thing about it? It is affecting exactly half my face: one cheek, one nostril, one eye...It's painful too! I've already booked off a half day of work tomorrow, and I'm thinking it would be great for morale if I took the morning off too. This would be legit, though, 'cause I really am under the weather. I dunno. I'll have to see.

So, do you think I should speak with a doctor about some anti-depressants? I'm weary of their effectiveness for me, because I really do think I have valid reasons for feeling depressed. I mean, aren't anti-depressant designed to help people who have "depression" (ie. feeling blue for no reason, feeling more anxiety over things than really necessary, etc.)? I can't imagine that an anti-depressant would make someone feel better if they were honestly going through something terrible in their life. Does that make any sense? Sorry, it's late.

If someone is just told they have cancer, is an anti-depressant going to make them feel less depressed? I mean...they have cancer, so of course they're depressed!

So, that's why I'm wondering about the effectiveness of an anti-depressant for me. I mean, granted, I know I haven't been diagnosed with cancer, thank God. But I have been diagnosed with something more minor which, nevertheless, does impact my life greatly. And I'm also constantly surrounded by pregnant women, who are just reminders that I'm broken and can't seem to conceive on my own schedule (or maybe forever?).

I'm depressed because DH and I dreamed of having 4 or 5 kids, and I feel him becoming an "old daddy" with every passing day. I feel that, by the time we have our child, that dream of 4 or 5 kids, simply won't be realistic. I'm crushed. And I'm just mostly crushed by the fact that I'm not pregnant. I've wanted to be pregnant for months. I'm sick of waiting. I am, honest to goodness, the least patient person on the planet. Ever. This wait is tortuous for me. It's forcing me to confront my most hated things in the world: long waits and the need to put my trust and fate in the hands of other people....many of whom have already proven themselves to be entirely untrustworthy/incompetent.

I was valedictorian of the "if you want something done right, do it yourself"school of thought, so when I have to leave my entire fertility and chances of getting pregnant this decade, in the 'capable' hands of doctors who always seem to screw something up, then "yes", I admit that I'm very extremely bothered by that. It does engender a strong sense of futility, despair and hopelessness deep within me.

All that is to say....I'm feeling really depressed. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. This sucks, and I'm not in the mood to put on a brave face right now, especially since I'll be visiting family this weekend, who will undoubtedly ask the "Soooo...when you starting a family??" question. I don't think I could even muster up a response to that one. I'll probably just run away in tears.

Oh yes, looking forward to this weekend.

1 comment:

Gil said...

Give me a poke at my address. I've got some info about that doctor you were interested in and I'd love to pass it along to you.

Here's hoping your day looks up though. The weekend is coming and I'm crossing my fingers that it'll be relatively decent!