Thursday, April 17, 2008

I cannot accept this

I can't accept this. I can't accept what is happening to me.

I read about other people who are going through the same thing as me or who have gone through the same thing as me, and all I can think is "No NO NO NO. This is not fair. Not me. If it took her 14 months to get her TSH down into the healthy ranges, then it's only because she didn't want it badly enough. If they've been trying to conceive without success for 6 months after getting her TSH into the normal range, then they must be doing something wrong. I'm going to get my TSH into order in two months...tops. I don't care that my launching point with hypothyroidism was at such an extreme level that there's actually very little literature about it. I don't care. Two months. That's all I'm giving myself. And then, it should only take me one month to conceive".

Then, of course, I burst into tears, because deep down I know that I might have to start preparing myself for a much longer wait. Realistically, if it took someone else a year to get their TSH in order, then maybe it will take me the same. I think I will die. I honestly don't think I'll survive that long. I know I're all thinking "What will you die of? You don't die of infertility...". It's true...I don't know what I'd die of, but deep down, I have this terrible feeling that I won't make it. I mean...look at I am, 6 months of trying, one month after being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and I'm CRACKING. I am completely falling apart. I am depressed. I break down and sob several times per day. I am driving my poor husband insane (even though he's nice enough not to tell me so), and it's driving me insane that he's going about his life, productive as always, seemingly unaffected by this whole infertility thing.

And moreover, the acquaintance of mine (who I end up seeing on an almost daily basis), who started TTC the same month as me, is going to have her baby and I won't even be pregnant yet. That is killing me. It's absolutely tearing me apart. I know what she's thinking every time she sees me. I know she's wondering what's the deal. I stupidly told her how badly we wanted a baby. I mean, how was I to know that, months later, we still wouldn't be pregnant and I'd be wishing I'd downplayed my desire for a baby to her. Now, I know that when she sees me, she knows that I'm desperate to be pregnant and I'm not. She even glances at my stomach every single day. I see it every single day. It eats me up inside.

I mentioned to DH that I think I might need to go on medication for depression/anxiety related to TTC. He's very squeamish about that stuff. He doesn't like psychiatrists, therapists, anti-depressants. He just wants to hug. He thinks that hugs make him feel better, so that's what he offers me...well, that plus his rational, logical thought processes related to all my troubles - which doesn't usually make me feel better. Being pregnant will make me feel better. Anyway, I'm going to have to just look into the medication myself. I seriously wonder whether I'll have a complete emotional and mental breakdown without it. I don't think I'm headed in a very good direction here. I need something, 'cause I'm this close to cracking.

Thank God I'm going to spent four days with my mother, father and in-laws....that ought to make me feel much better. Yeah.

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