Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Another annoying thing

Lately, my mother has been doing this thing, which I assume she does because she thinks it makes me feel better. But, the truth is that it makes me cringe! Whenever we chat on the phone, which is every day for about an hour, she talks about someone else's baby, mentions how amazingly adorable they are, and then says "Wow...I just can't wait until you have yours. I just know you're going to love it. I can't wait!!".
I think that continuously saying things like that is her way of reassuring me that there's absolutely no doubt in her mind that I will eventually get pregnant. Like, she won't even contemplate the possibility that I might never get pregnant or that, at least, it might take a long while to happen.
Tonight I mentioned to her that I'm not ready to use phrases like "When I get pregnant", or "Sure, you can spend two weeks in our apartment when I give birth to my yet-to-be-conceived child". I just don't want to talk like that. I don't want to set myself up for even greater grief than I know I would feel if I couldn't ever get pregnant. I think that, at the very least, I'm making things better for myself by not getting ahead of myself. But then again, who really knows? Maybe I'm just bottling all this desire up inside and setting myself up for an eventual explosion and/or meltdown.
When I mentioned to my mother that I wasn't getting ahead of myself and talking about pregnancy and children, she kind of scolded me and said "But you have to have hope. You have no idea how bad negativity is for you. You need resolve and trust and hope that you will get pregnant".
She's probably right, and I'm probably being melodramatic, but that's the head space I'm in right now. A tiny part of me always believed, deep down, that I would have trouble conceiving. And, here we are, having trouble conceiving. So, since a tiny part of me seriously cannot envision myself ever getting that positive pregnancy test, I'm just not ready to ignore that feeling. I can picture myself with babies, although even that vision sometimes seems too good to ever be true, but I just don't picture myself getting that BFP.
Ok. I'm gonna go cry now.

1 comment:

hopefaithlove said...

I could have written this post myself, I am starting to think I will never have that moment of seeing a BFP again.