Never thought I'd write this post.

I got it this morning. My BFP. I'm pregnant.

I can't even believe I'm typing it. But I am. I am pregnant. Two lines. Two gorgeous lines. On two different tests. And they're mine.

I'm a mixture of excitement, numbness...and disbelief. I definitely don't think that the reality has sunk in yet.

I'm thrilled, don't get me wrong. More thrilled than you can imagine.

I'm....pregnant. Expecting. With child. Knocked up.

Holy moly. I'm pregnant.

Pessimistic

This morning I'm feeling pessimistic. I don't know...I definitely was feeling stuff the first few days post-ovulation, but now it seems to have subsided. I wake up in the mornings with gross white heads scattered across my face, but that's probably because I've been lazy about my skin cleansing regimen recently.
Sigh...as usual...I'll just have to wait and see. I hate waiting.

UPDATE: I'm totally setting myself up for disaster by doing this....

Add to that...lack of appetite.

I'm optimistic because this is how I felt the first month we TTC....but then it ended badly.

*chin up*....right?

I'm totally setting myself up for disaster by doing this....

but....

 

1 DPO - neausea, uterus twinges

So freaked to even be saying this

....but I'm cautiously optimistic this month. The only reasons are as follows:

 

1) It was my HSG month and the doctor said that there's an increased chance of conceiving this month,

2) Normally I feel absolutely nothing after ovulation, but I've been feeling some poking, tingling and throbbing in my ovarian/uterus area for the past two days.

 

It's not much to go on...but it's something a little different. But again, just for the record, I'm CAUTIOUSLY optimistic. I'm mentally preparing myself to not be pregnant and have to move onto next month....when I'll be making good use of those Instead Cups after BDing. Oh...and also...I noticed a tiny bit of tingle in my boobs last night.

 

I'm either one or two days past ovulation today.

 

I lost my mind this morning. I fell into a fit of rage and crying and throwing things and banging walls and wanting to kill myself.I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of platitudes, I'm tired of having hope and then losing it. I'm tired of waiting. Weeks and weeks of waiting. Months and months. I'm exhausted. I want it to stop.

We timed everything so perfectly this month. In fact, I stupidly allowed myself to get hopeful because everything just went so fucking perfectly this month. I caught a fade-in pattern on my OPK and we were disciplined and we waited until I had a strong positive on my OPK (testing 3x per day), and we tried two nights ago, even though I was as dry as a desert.

And then last night, which was really the night to try (I'm 100% sure I ovulated right before we tried), last night we tried again. This was supposed to be it for us. I had HOPE this month. We tried and, for whatever fucking reason, EVERYTHING came gushing out as soon as my husband pulled out. And he pulled out immediately after finishing. I know that everyone is thinking that it's normal for stuff to spill out. I know that too.

BUT EVERYTHING....EVERYTHING came out.

And y'know what else? Yesterday I bought the 'instead' cups. I thought I'd try and put one in after sex and leave it there all night. DH actually made fun of me and told me I was losing my mind for wanting to use it. So, embarassed, I didn't use it after sex. I could've scooped everything up and shoved it back in with a cup. But instead I just wiped it away with a towel. There was nothing left in me.

And you know what else fucking sucks? This was my HSG month. If there was ever a fucking month to get it fucking right, it was now. You're supposed to be extra fertile this month. This is the month not to fuck up. What is wrong with us? What have I done to deserve this? How could we let this happen? Everything came out. ALL of it. There was so much.

This rage this morning....that was all hope leaving me. We're religious people and I'm just ready to give it all up. I'm furious with God. FURIOUS. What the fuck am I building a solid home for? Why am I living my life this way? I always did it so that my children could be raised in a strong home. What children? What's the point now? I want to give it all up. I'm so enranged. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to tell God to fuck off. Yeah? You really think it's better to have some 15 year old pregnant than me, God? Really? Well then maybe I should just stop living my life this way. Obviously it means nothing to you that I try to be good. Obviously you're punishing me for something. So then, y'know what? I might as well have something to be punished for. Fuck you.

HSG: What a bunch of hype!

Well, that wasn't bad at all.

On Friday morning I went to my RE's office to have the dreaded HSG test (this is the one where they slide a catheter through your cervix and into your uterus and then blow up a ballon and push fluid or bubbles through your tubes to check that they're clear). Anyway, I hadn't mentioned that I was having the test because I was trying not to think about it. I knew that if I read about it online I would probably have LOTS of anxiety about it, so I decided not to read at all. I remembered hearing about how many women say that the test is very painful. I didn't need the gory details, y'know?

Anyway, I arrived at the office at around 8:50 and was quickly ushered into the ultrasound room. My husband was allowed in with me. Excellent. The ultrasound tech (who was VERY nice....just like the last one I had) asked me to take off my pants and underwear and cover myself with a sheet. Everyone there is SO considerate of making sure you're not exposed unnecessarily. It's very nice of them.

Then Dr. C came in a began the procedure. He explained that he would be doing the following:

a) Inserting a speculum, just like a pap test, and then examining me a little,

b) Disinfectin my cervix and internal vagina with an iodine solution,

c) Inserting a catheter through my cervix and into my uterus, and then inserting the transvaginal ultrasound wand,

d) Blowing up a balloon inside my uterus in order to see things better, and then putting some saline solution inside too,

e) forcing some air bubbles through my fallopian tubes in order to see if they're clear or blocked.

By far the worst part of the procedure was the insertion of the speculum and the 'washing' of my cervix. The speculum and washing felt just like a pap which, for some odd reason, is always painful for me. But...here's the weird part. The rest of the procedure didn't hurt! I thought that the insertion of the catheter would be really painful, but I totally didn't feel a thing. Nothing.

Once the catheter was inserted I began experiencing some menstrual-like cramps. They felt like the types of cramps I get when I have BAD BAD cramps...but they were far far less intense. Really nothing to get upset about. It was fine.

When the doctor forced bubbles into my tubes it felt SO weird...it felt like....well...like bubbles being forced through my tubes! No pain, just an odd sensation. Again, nothing to get upset about. The best part??.....Hearing that everything was clear :)

The doctor quickly confirmed that everything looked good and that my tubes were wide open. Then he removed the ultrasound wand and told me that, for couples where the woman's tubes are normal, there is a marked increase in fertility for cycles after the HSG procedure. Sweet!

So...that was it. They gave me a pad and told me that I might have some 'leaking' and some 'spotting'. I had neither. I felt fine. I EASILY could've gone back to work right after, but I had already taken the day off (thinking I'd be in lots of pain), so I decided to play hookie.

After the procedure I told my husband that I really wanted to write about it on my blog. I told him that it was important for me to tell my story and let women know that this procedure is not painful for everyone, in spite of what you might read online. The HSG was not painful.

Wish me luck for this cycle!!

Update

Hello everyone (ie. the three people who read my blog)
So…here's an update. And I'm warning you….sorry, I'm going to say some yucky stuff.

AF arrived when I thought it would (CD 27…which means I had a 26 day cycle this month….hmmmm).
Of course, it's not enough that AF arrived, she had to bring her thug cousins with her…cramps and nausea.

Anyway, so I called the fertility clinic to register my day one, and they booked my CD3 bloodwork and my baseline ultrasound and transvaginal ultrasounds (all of which would be performed on the same day……today.

So, this morning I drank the requisite 66 glasses of water (on an empty stomach) and then waited to leave the house and drive to the clinic. Uh oh. Something's not right. I feel very ill. I feel like I have explode…from all bodily orifices. I had thai food last night and it ain't sitting so well. And the fact that I have 2 litres of water in my bladder, crushing against my stomach and intestines isn't helping either. I had to figure out how to have a total #2 attack in the bathroom without emptying my bladder. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT? Do you have any idea how hard it is to have a stomach explosion (of thai food) and NOT pee? Well, I managed it. Anyway, we jumped in the car to drive to the clinic. I was white knuckle gripping the car door the entire ride, so as not to poo in my pants because, as if going to the bathroom twice in one morning wasn't enough…I had to go again. And my bladder was so full I thought I would die.

Anyway, I got to the clinic and told the technician that I was REALLY not feeling well and that I had to empty my bladder immediately or I would throw up. I think that she could tell (based on how pale white I was…and the fact that I was sweating) that I was to be taken seriously. She said "no problem…go to the bathroom and do what you have to do. Try not to completely empty your bladder. But if you do, don't worry, we'll deal with it". With that, I ran to the bathroom, emptied my bladder a bit, had another explosion, and then forced myself to not empty my bladder anymore and go for the ultrasound". I told the technician, who was an absolute doll, that I thought I had managed to keep a bit of pee in my bladder.

The moment she put the ultrasound device on my stomach, she said "Wow…whoa!...you have a VERY VERY full bladder! And you said you even emptied some??" I told her that I have this problem every time I have an ultrasound. They tell you to drink a litre of water one hour prior, but I think that I should drink about half that much. She admitted that, for most people, drinking 2-3 cups is definitely enough to fill their bladder.

She tried to do the ultrasound as quickly as she could - took about 2 minutes - and then she said excitedly "Ok…go to the bathroom!". Ahhh….I felt so much better after that. Next came the internal ultrasound. Given that this is CD2 for me…you can just imagine how worried I was about grossly messing up the table, the equipment, etc. I have to be honest…not half as bad as I thought. I quickly disrobed, she put a cover on me and then started the examination. Everything looked fine (according to my untrained eye). My uterus looked empty (which is good because I didn't want to see any large masses inside of it or something), my ovaries were there (phew) and had these big black dots all over them. I was scared that these were cysts, but she assured me that they were just follicles and that they were supposed to be there!

Then, she removed the 'device', rubbed my knees and said "ok…are you ok? You're done". And that was it? I left the room, got dressed, had another 6 viles of blood drawn, and then headed to work with DH, who was sweet enough to accompany me for moral support.

Another month gone by

I know that, technically, the show's not over 'til the fat lady sings, but I'm pretty sure that AF is just around the corner. I think I'm up to 4 BFNs now....and with some good quality tests...not just the $0.05 tests.

I feel like I'm going to crack. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that I should have hope. I look at women who have been trying for years without success and I marvel at how they've maintained their sanity. I have no doubt that they, like me, cry all the time. But just the fact that they're still there, on the message boards, crossing their fingers and sending 'baby dust' every month, just blows me away. I'm in awe.

I had a lot of hope this month....even though I outwardly said, from CD15, that I wasn't going to get pregnant this month. I felt ovulation so much...from both sides!...And I really thought I could be that girl who got pregnant as soon as her thyroid was regulated. I thought I could be that girl who, after a valiant struggle to have get pregnant, had her baby on Valentine's Day (the day I would've been due, if it had worked this month).

Mostly, I'm just tired of living my life feeling like I'm about to crack and have a breakdown. I've been putting off speaking with a councillor, but mostly because the one I want only sees patients from, like, noon 'til 2pm every day (oh...and on Saturday mornings)....a fat lotta good that does me. Between blood tests and doctors appointments, I'm already missing so much work that my once understanding boss has started raising his eyebrow every time I announce that I'm going to just be a bit late to work (or a bit late getting back from lunch.....or leaving work early for the day) because of a doctor's appointment. When I do return to work, I make sure to display my bandaid and cotton ball in the crease of my arm, in the hopes that he'll believe me, instead of thinking that I'm just playing hookie. Anyway, the point is that I cannot afford to take any more time off work. When these councillors open their practices, don't they think to themselves "Gee....maybe having appointments outside of business hours would be good for patients?"

Anyway, my husband is getting on my case about this. He thinks that seeing a councillor should be priority number one....work be damned. Of course he's right, but it's just not that easy. I'm going to keep looking around and seeing if I can find someone downtown who I could see over lunch. It's long over due. I spent the better part of the weekend (and almost the whole of both saturday and sunday nights) sobbing. This morning isn't going much better.

Most of it is probably due to the fact that I know about 4 people who are THIS close to giving birth (complete with hourly updates on their situations on facebook). I'm so jealous.

More to come later...for now i have to run to work.