Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Another month gone by

I know that, technically, the show's not over 'til the fat lady sings, but I'm pretty sure that AF is just around the corner. I think I'm up to 4 BFNs now....and with some good quality tests...not just the $0.05 tests.

I feel like I'm going to crack. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that I should have hope. I look at women who have been trying for years without success and I marvel at how they've maintained their sanity. I have no doubt that they, like me, cry all the time. But just the fact that they're still there, on the message boards, crossing their fingers and sending 'baby dust' every month, just blows me away. I'm in awe.

I had a lot of hope this month....even though I outwardly said, from CD15, that I wasn't going to get pregnant this month. I felt ovulation so much...from both sides!...And I really thought I could be that girl who got pregnant as soon as her thyroid was regulated. I thought I could be that girl who, after a valiant struggle to have get pregnant, had her baby on Valentine's Day (the day I would've been due, if it had worked this month).

Mostly, I'm just tired of living my life feeling like I'm about to crack and have a breakdown. I've been putting off speaking with a councillor, but mostly because the one I want only sees patients from, like, noon 'til 2pm every day (oh...and on Saturday mornings)....a fat lotta good that does me. Between blood tests and doctors appointments, I'm already missing so much work that my once understanding boss has started raising his eyebrow every time I announce that I'm going to just be a bit late to work (or a bit late getting back from lunch.....or leaving work early for the day) because of a doctor's appointment. When I do return to work, I make sure to display my bandaid and cotton ball in the crease of my arm, in the hopes that he'll believe me, instead of thinking that I'm just playing hookie. Anyway, the point is that I cannot afford to take any more time off work. When these councillors open their practices, don't they think to themselves "Gee....maybe having appointments outside of business hours would be good for patients?"

Anyway, my husband is getting on my case about this. He thinks that seeing a councillor should be priority number one....work be damned. Of course he's right, but it's just not that easy. I'm going to keep looking around and seeing if I can find someone downtown who I could see over lunch. It's long over due. I spent the better part of the weekend (and almost the whole of both saturday and sunday nights) sobbing. This morning isn't going much better.

Most of it is probably due to the fact that I know about 4 people who are THIS close to giving birth (complete with hourly updates on their situations on facebook). I'm so jealous.

More to come later...for now i have to run to work.

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