Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Baby Mama -- Official Theatrical Trailer

Boy, do I wanna see this movie. The trailer is just so funny...and not even because of how I can relate to a couple of the TTC elements...but just because it's funny, stupid and exactly the kind of film I need to see.
I had a really down day today. I had been feeling so good for a couple weeks, but then today I just spiraled down into a really depressed afternoon. I cried on the phone to my mom, who recommended that I go to the movies to make myself feel better.
She asked "Is there any particular movie that you've been wanting to see?" and I sobbed "Yes...it's called "Baby Mama""
And she said "Ok..what's that about? Will it make you feel better?"
And I said "It's about a woman who can't conceive".
It was one of those funny "you-had-to-be-there" kind of moments.


Hello people!
I cannot believe how many hits I've gotten from my post about Vicki Saporta's anti-Bill C484 editorial. Who knew anyone was reading??

I would like to apologize for all the expletives in the post. Really, I know it made many people uncomfortable, and I'll definitely keep that in mind for future posts, but it just so clearly demonstrated how I was feeling at the time.

Anyway, I just wanted to say hello to all the readers and I wanted to THANK YOU so so much for actually taking the time to read the post! What's more, is that I wanted to doubly thank you for sticking with the post and reading the post in spite of the terrible formatting. Every few days blogger goes through this problem where it doesn't allow you to put any lines between your paragraphs! It's just awful. So, thank you for reading the incredibly long post in spite of all that.

I really hope that I can keep writing interesting, thought provoking material like that. And please, please, let me know what you think in the comments -good or bad! I just live for comments :)

Sunday, April 27, 2008

I dislike stupid people

You know, I don't have crazy-strong views on abortion, and I'm not usually one to get all riled up about the issue. But I totally and completely object to a pro-abortion activist writing an op-ed piece in my city's newspaper, that flat out mocks my intelligence. I was so so so so angry after reading this article that I didn't even know where to begin in tearing it apart. That's the beauty of blogging - I get to sit and plan out my attack, then edit it, and finally post something semi-coherent for all the world to read.

Here it goes.

First off, let me state my views on abortion. I don't like the idea. It makes me uncomfortable. In an ideal world, it wouldn't exist...and we wouldn't ever need it. That's the beauty of an ideal world...we don't have to have awful things like abortion, because people never make mistakes that make them reach for abortions as a solution to their problems.

So, why can't I come out entirely against abortion? Because, if I'm intellectually honest with myself and others, I have to admit that, had I fallen pregnant when I first began having sex (which, admittedly was before I was in a completely committed relationship or married), I probably would've had an abortion. In fact, during the couple of times when I actually had pregnancy scares in my late teens, early twenties, I was almost positive that I'd have an abortion if I was pregnant.

So, that's that. I don't like abortion. It's messy ethically and it kills a baby. It does. But, I considered it as a solution to my pregnancy scares, so it would be hypocritical of me to oppose it completely. I do not, however, buy into the whole "a woman's right to choose" argument, when it's used to completely ignore and discredit the rights of the living child inside of her. I think that we have to acknowledge both the mother's and the child's rights and strike a balance.

Now, let's turn to the op-ed piece that angered me so:

Vicki Saporta, who is President and CEO of the National Abortion Foundation, wrote this op-ed against Bill C-484, which seeks to give an unborn child the status of 'victim', when that child is injured or killed as a result of an attack on a pregnant woman. So, if a pregnant woman is murdered, her killer can be charged with the murder of two people.

Below is the article, with my thoughts/rants sprinkled throughout:

The loss of a wanted pregnancy is a tragic event. Whether it comes at the hand of a partner in an act of rage, or at the hand of a stranger in the perpetration of a crime, we can all agree that the woman who has had her pregnancy taken away from her has suffered a tremendous loss. Her life will never be the same.

It starts off nicely, although I'm suspicious of her introduction because I think she's using these platitudes as a means of gaining credibility when, in fact, her subsequent arguments have absolutely nothing to do with these obvious 'niceties'.

When a pregnant woman is killed, her family understandably feels the impact of the tragedy in complex ways.We can all agree that whoever has committed this crime and has caused this pain deserves to be punished.


Where we differ is how we define the crime that will be punished, and what is the best way to deter and prevent this type of criminal activity.

Do we do so in a way that potentially erodes Supreme Court precedent and Canadian women's right to safe and legal abortion? Or can we find another approach that respects Canadian law, acknowledges the harm that has occurred, and prevents this from happening to other women?


Oh no! A new law that could "potentially erode Supreme Court precedent" ?!?!

How many of you wanna bet that Vicki Saporta wouldn't give a rat's ass about Supreme Court precedent if said court had previously ruled against allowing abortions in Canada?

Besides, what the hell kind of argument against Bill C-484 is this anyway? She's claiming that one of the bad things about the Bill is that it challenges a previous court ruling. Umm...hello?? Why is that a bad thing? What is this, a dictatorship? Where are we, China? "Ohhh nooo....we can't consider your arguments because they oppose the Government's position".

Bottom line, she is arguing that her pro-abortion stance is favorable because it doesn't challenge any pre-existing legislation. That's crap. There's nothing wrong with challenging pre-existing legislation, especially if that legislation is wrong.

Creating a new crime of "causing injury to or the death of a fetus" is an idea being advanced by staunch opponents of abortion in Parliament.

Ahhh, the famous guilt-by-association argument. Here, Vicki is telling readers who they will be siding with if they dare support Bill C-484. It's fear mongering. She assumes that readers will shutter, as she does, at the mere suggestion that they might fall in the same ideological camp as "abortion opponents".

While this approach strikes a chord with those who oppose abortion, the fact remains that it will have negligible deterrent effect and could drastically change Canadian law. Lynn Paltrow, a well-known U.S. advocate for pregnant women, has argued that Unborn Victims of Violence laws in the U.S. have not resulted in a reduction of violence against women.


Exactly how does Saporta know that it is a "fact" that the legislation will have "negligible deterrent effect"?


Again, why is she trying to scare us by claiming the Bill could "drastically change Canadian law"? Why is this a bad thing? Why is this supposed to scare us? Laws change all the time. BFD.


Saporta is arguing against this Bill by saying that a similar law in the U.S. has not resulted in a reduction of violence against women. This is the argument that angered me most.

Let's be very clear on something. The purpose of the law is not, repeat IS NOT to reduce violence against pregnant women. That is where Saporta is 100% wrong. The purpose of the law is to fairly and properly punish people who injure or kill a pregnant woman (which means the woman and her unborn child). The reason the law is being proposed is because a great number of Canadians believe that charging a person with one count of murder after they murder a pregnant woman, is insufficient because that person actually killed two people - the woman and her child.

Let me show you how stupid Saporta's argument is:

Saying that we should not support Bill C-484 because it "will not result in a reduction of violence against women", is the same as saying that there's no point in making it illegal to drive drunk, because drunk driving charges do not bring back the victims killed in crashes by drunk drivers.

How stupid is that? While we're at it, why don't we just get rid of child abuse laws. After all, charging parents who sexually, physically, verbally and emotionally abuse their children, doesn't erase the "hurt" their children have experienced, so the laws must be useless, right?

In fact to the contrary, she argues that a law which merely implies rights for the fetus as separate from those of the pregnant woman, no matter how carefully written, can become the basis for policing and arresting women. This is based on a significant amount of legal research.

Another case of fear mongering. This is the classic "slippery slope" argument. Saporta is saying that we shouldn't even consider this legislation because someday in the future, someone might twist, abuse and change the law in such a way that would disadvantage women.

Of course, Saporta doesn't back up any of her claims with examples because she's afraid readers might agree with the new laws that could become the basis for "policing and arresting women". She doesn't tell you that Bill C-484 might, at some point in the future, open the door to legislation that would make it a crime for a pregnant woman to snort crack and smash her womb with a crowbar when she knows she's pregnant.

Now, I'm not saying that I necessarily agree with legislation that would make it a crime for a woman to lead an unhealthy life while she is pregnant, but I am saying that Saporta is intellectually dishonest for trying to hide this type of example from readers. She knows that many readers would agree with such legislation, so better for her not to write about it.

Oh, and don't you just love how she throws in that last line: "This is based on a significant amount of legal research."
WTF? What is based on "a significant amount of legal research"? Her assumption that Bill C-484 will lead to abuse of women's rights? What is she, psychic? How the hell can she, or any legal researcher for that matter, know that? She is full of shit.

Such a law may punish women rather than protect them. By recognizing a developing fetus as a victim of a crime separate from a woman, this legislation could erode Canadian women's right to safe and legal abortion by treading closer to the line of bestowing legal rights on a fetus, a concept clearly at odds with existing Canadian law.

Ahh. Finally, Saporta is being honest. The real reason she opposes Bill C-484 is because she's afraid it could curb women's rights to have an abortion.

Y'know what really pisses me off? Pro-abortionists refuse to admit that a fetus should have rights, because all they want to talk about are a woman's rights to an abortion. Saporta says it flat out right there. I'm paraphrasing here, but only so that it's crystal clear to my readers.

She's saying "We can't recognize a developing fetus as a victim of a crime, because giving a fetus the right to life, we might have to consider opposing abortions". See what she does there?

If Saporta argued that a fetus shouldn't have the right to life because it's part of the mother's body until the umbilical cord is cut, or if she argued that she just didn't believe a fetus should have the right to life until it emerged from its mother's body, then I might be able to respect her argument (even if I disagreed with it). But what angers me so much, is that Saporta is saying that she's not willing to even consider the rights of the fetus because all she can care about is the right of a woman to have an abortion.

Such a law could create tension with Supreme Court rulings finding that a person must be born to have legal status in Canada, a major goal of anti-abortion advocates. It is disingenuous to ignore the fact that this approach attacks another belief that a majority of Canadians adhere to -- the right of a woman to decide whether and when to have a child.

Well, I happen to think that it's disingenuous for Sarpota to try and convince people to side with her by claiming that "a majority of Canadians" already agree with her. So what? So if a majority of Canadians believe one thing, then it must be correct? And, what's more, is that she's suggesting that it's not right to oppose something that the majority of Canadians support.

And by the way, who the hell says that the majority of Canadians agree with Saporta?

The sponsor of this legislation, MP Ken Epp, claims that this bill is not about abortion because it exempts legal abortions, some medical treatment, and the conduct of women. But it is impossible to separate this proposed legislation from its sponsor, a well-known opponent of legal abortion. Nowhere in the bill is the harm to the woman resulting from an attack terminating her pregnancy mentioned.

Violence against women continues to be a significant problem in Canada, and violence often increases when a woman is pregnant.

Instead of focusing on real solutions to violence against women, the bill deliberately shifts the focus away from the women, who are truly the victims of these heinous crimes.

Ummm, no, that's the point. This Bill isn't "shifting the focus away from women", it's finally placing the focus on fetuses, who are equal victims in the murders of pregnant women.

Existing legislation, which does not give fetuses equal status under the law, only focuses on the rights of women. This Bill doesn't shift the focus away from women, it shines a new light on the victims who, until now, have been entirely ignored. Thinking people can consider both the women and the fetuses as victims. It's ideologues like Saporta who are only able to focus on one victim.

The National Abortion Federation (NAF), the professional association of abortion providers in Canada and the U.S., fully supports a woman's right to choose to carry a pregnancy to term.

Well, fan-f**king-tastic. Thank you for telling me that. I'm so glad you cleared that up. But really, is there even a question about that? Hello?? Is there ANYONE in the world that doesn't support a woman's right to carry a pregnancy to term?

This is a non-point. This is the stupidest thing she says.

Before I go on, I just want to state, with complete clarity, that I fully support Saporta's right to have two arms and two legs. Look how wonderful and liberal I am.

Because this bill does nothing to protect women from violence and indeed does not even acknowledge their loss, and because its possible consequences include casting doubt over well-established Canadian law, NAF opposes C-484.

And y'know what? Because this bill does nothing to reduce Canada's greenhouse gases, and because it means that the criminal code of Canada might end up having one additional page of laws, I oppose C-484.

Is she serious? That's the only way Saporta will support new legislation? It has to clearly lead to a reduction in violence toward women, or else it doesn't win her support? Is she retarded?

The Canadian government should instead offer concrete solutions to the problem of violence against women.

Why must this be the only goal of the Government? Here, the Government is going to discuss the rights of fetuses. Why is this bad? Why isn't this worthwhile? Why can't we discuss both the rights of the fetus and innovative ways of reducing violence against all people?

It should increase funding to programs for the prevention of violence against women and ease funding restrictions for research and advocacy groups.

Blah blah blah. Yeah, let's just throw money at these existing programs that aren't working. That oughta solve the problem.

Finally, we hope that supporters of this legislation rethink their divisive approach, and instead focus their efforts on finding a solution to violence against women that all Canadians can agree upon.

Vicki Saporta is president and CEO of the National Abortion Federation.

She is also a complete f**king idiot.


Boy, do I love my freedom. And you can bet, that after two, back to back, three-day yom tovim (holidays), I sure do appreciate my freedom that my more. Freedom to use my laptop whenever I want, freedom to switch on and off lights as necessary, freedom to cook yummy food at a whim, freedom to watch tv.

I'm very proud of DH and I. We made it through this pesach. We didn't have any extravagant food, no fancy shmancy pesach dishes - just the necessities. The second three-day yom tov, the one that just passed, was very low key for us. We only had one invitation to eat at someone's house, and the folks we invited to our place ended up cancelling. So, it was very quiet, with lots of time to catch up on reading, sleeping and walking through our gorgeous neighbourhood. Fine by me!

Anyway, all that is to say, it was lovely to have to have some time off, but by the end it felt like a little too much time. I'm happy to be back. I hope you're all still here and reading. Please let me know if you are!! I love comments.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I'm back, I'm sick and I'm getting better...

I'm back from Toronto and it was a pretty good trip. Lots of good food and seeing family was nice. It's tough getting used to the differences between DH's family and my own, but that's all I'll say. The truth is that both families hosted nice seders and everyone was nice and welcoming and showed us a great time. It was all good. I'm just still adjusting to a new family.

As soon as we got to Toronto, it became clear that my sniffles were quickly becoming a full blown cold and sinus infection. The kicker? I could feel the cold crawling south...to my lungs. I hate coughs!! I know, I know...everyone hates coughs. But I especially hate coughs because the cause me to have intense bouts of insomnia. When I spend two nights without sleep because of incessant coughing, I usually spiral into a cycle of insomnia, where I don't sleep for a week after that. Ugh...this is going to suck.

Now the good news. As I mentioned before, my friend works as a lab technician in a hospital and offered to draw some blood and do a TSH test for me while I was visiting Toronto. Well, late last night she drew my blood and ran the tests this morning and my TSH came back at 37.....that's over 70 points lower than it was three weeks ago. Great, eh? We're headed in the right direction. Of course, I say "great", but I really feel bitter sweet about it because I'm still totally worrying that the last 35 points will take me months to drop.

I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday, so I think I'll ask her to consider increasing my dose to help ensure that my TSH can be at 2.0 within one months time. It's a pipe dream, I know, but it's worth a shot.

Ok, I'm off to bed....Exhausted!!...G'night

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I cannot accept this

I can't accept this. I can't accept what is happening to me.

I read about other people who are going through the same thing as me or who have gone through the same thing as me, and all I can think is "No NO NO NO. This is not fair. Not me. If it took her 14 months to get her TSH down into the healthy ranges, then it's only because she didn't want it badly enough. If they've been trying to conceive without success for 6 months after getting her TSH into the normal range, then they must be doing something wrong. I'm going to get my TSH into order in two months...tops. I don't care that my launching point with hypothyroidism was at such an extreme level that there's actually very little literature about it. I don't care. Two months. That's all I'm giving myself. And then, it should only take me one month to conceive".

Then, of course, I burst into tears, because deep down I know that I might have to start preparing myself for a much longer wait. Realistically, if it took someone else a year to get their TSH in order, then maybe it will take me the same. I think I will die. I honestly don't think I'll survive that long. I know I know...you're all thinking "What will you die of? You don't die of infertility...". It's true...I don't know what I'd die of, but deep down, I have this terrible feeling that I won't make it. I mean...look at me...here I am, 6 months of trying, one month after being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, and I'm CRACKING. I am completely falling apart. I am depressed. I break down and sob several times per day. I am driving my poor husband insane (even though he's nice enough not to tell me so), and it's driving me insane that he's going about his life, productive as always, seemingly unaffected by this whole infertility thing.

And moreover, the acquaintance of mine (who I end up seeing on an almost daily basis), who started TTC the same month as me, is going to have her baby and I won't even be pregnant yet. That is killing me. It's absolutely tearing me apart. I know what she's thinking every time she sees me. I know she's wondering what's the deal. I stupidly told her how badly we wanted a baby. I mean, how was I to know that, months later, we still wouldn't be pregnant and I'd be wishing I'd downplayed my desire for a baby to her. Now, I know that when she sees me, she knows that I'm desperate to be pregnant and I'm not. She even glances at my stomach every single day. I see it every single day. It eats me up inside.

I mentioned to DH that I think I might need to go on medication for depression/anxiety related to TTC. He's very squeamish about that stuff. He doesn't like psychiatrists, therapists, anti-depressants. He just wants to hug. He thinks that hugs make him feel better, so that's what he offers me...well, that plus his rational, logical thought processes related to all my troubles - which doesn't usually make me feel better. Being pregnant will make me feel better. Anyway, I'm going to have to just look into the medication myself. I seriously wonder whether I'll have a complete emotional and mental breakdown without it. I don't think I'm headed in a very good direction here. I need something, 'cause I'm this close to cracking.

Thank God I'm going to spent four days with my mother, father and in-laws....that ought to make me feel much better. Yeah.

Things might get a little quiet...

As I've mentioned, Pasover is just around the corner, which means I'll be cutting off a technological ties to the modern world. No TV, no internet, no radio, no cars, no Mp3, no commerce...no blogging...for three days. I'll be signing off officially tomorrow evening and I should be back on the blog sometime on Tuesday. I hope you don't all forget about me in the mean time! I'm sure I'll have PLENTY of annoyances over the weekend, as I get together with my family, all of whom probably want to know why I'm not pregnant.
Should be fun.

Depressed and Cooking

Ugh...I just feel so down tonight. I've been on the verge of tears since around 5pm and I can't pull myself out of it. Of course, when one feels as lousy and down as I do now, things just magically screw up more often than they do when you're in a great mood and more in a frame of mind to handle problems.

I went on a cooking spree tonight. I was preparing some dishes for our passover seders (meals) that my mother asked me to bring from Ottawa. I planned on making biscotti, brownies and two large kugels.

I spent a bunch of time making the biscotti, only to have my oven go haywire and char the whole lot. DH sliced off the tops and bottoms of my biscotti to try and salvage them, but I still ended up losing about half of the dough, so rather than bring a whole bunch of biscotti over to my parents, I'm only bringing a small tin.

The brownies seemed to be going well, until I asked DH to pull the pans out of the oven to check them. Using his usual method of pulling things out of the oven , he reached into the oven with only a thin kitchen cloth, pulled the pan out without supporting the center, and ended up causing the whole top of the brownies to crack and crumble. Apparently real chefs (which he seems to consider himself one of) don't use oven mitts.

I can't decide whether the pan of cracked/crumbled brownies will be the ones I give to his parents or mine...There are pros and cons to both choices. I'd like to give my parents the nicer pan, but if I do that, I can just see his mother and sister glancing at each other disapprovingly when I uncovered my cracked brownies in their kitchen.

Then I set out to make the two large kugels (same recipe). This kugel was a special vegetable kugel, containing celery, spinach, red peppers, green peppers, onions and carrots. Very very colourful, but also very time consuming to make because all the vegetables had to be diced tiny and then sauteed. They look good, though!...I haven't pulled them from the oven yet, so I'll have to let you know how they turn out later.

The good thing about the kugels, though, is that I realized I'd need an extra-good knife to do all the chopping and dicing, so I pulled out my freshly toiveled "Faberware" knife (which will not be used for pesach in the future) and discovered that it is, hands down, the best knife I've ever had. Holy shit. That's all I can really say. I looked like a real chef with all my fancy (and fast) chopping and dicing. Totally completely worth the $10 I spent on it. Yeah, I'm serious. No joke. No, I'm not pulling your leg....Home Sense.
(See what I did there? I totally anticipated all your comments.... :P LOL )

I think I'm coming down with a sinus cold. It might already be here, actually. Y'know what's the weirdest thing about it? It is affecting exactly half my face: one cheek, one nostril, one eye...It's painful too! I've already booked off a half day of work tomorrow, and I'm thinking it would be great for morale if I took the morning off too. This would be legit, though, 'cause I really am under the weather. I dunno. I'll have to see.

So, do you think I should speak with a doctor about some anti-depressants? I'm weary of their effectiveness for me, because I really do think I have valid reasons for feeling depressed. I mean, aren't anti-depressant designed to help people who have "depression" (ie. feeling blue for no reason, feeling more anxiety over things than really necessary, etc.)? I can't imagine that an anti-depressant would make someone feel better if they were honestly going through something terrible in their life. Does that make any sense? Sorry, it's late.

If someone is just told they have cancer, is an anti-depressant going to make them feel less depressed? I mean...they have cancer, so of course they're depressed!

So, that's why I'm wondering about the effectiveness of an anti-depressant for me. I mean, granted, I know I haven't been diagnosed with cancer, thank God. But I have been diagnosed with something more minor which, nevertheless, does impact my life greatly. And I'm also constantly surrounded by pregnant women, who are just reminders that I'm broken and can't seem to conceive on my own schedule (or maybe forever?).

I'm depressed because DH and I dreamed of having 4 or 5 kids, and I feel him becoming an "old daddy" with every passing day. I feel that, by the time we have our child, that dream of 4 or 5 kids, simply won't be realistic. I'm crushed. And I'm just mostly crushed by the fact that I'm not pregnant. I've wanted to be pregnant for months. I'm sick of waiting. I am, honest to goodness, the least patient person on the planet. Ever. This wait is tortuous for me. It's forcing me to confront my most hated things in the world: long waits and the need to put my trust and fate in the hands of other people....many of whom have already proven themselves to be entirely untrustworthy/incompetent.

I was valedictorian of the "if you want something done right, do it yourself"school of thought, so when I have to leave my entire fertility and chances of getting pregnant this decade, in the 'capable' hands of doctors who always seem to screw something up, then "yes", I admit that I'm very extremely bothered by that. It does engender a strong sense of futility, despair and hopelessness deep within me.

All that is to say....I'm feeling really depressed. Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. This sucks, and I'm not in the mood to put on a brave face right now, especially since I'll be visiting family this weekend, who will undoubtedly ask the "Soooo...when you starting a family??" question. I don't think I could even muster up a response to that one. I'll probably just run away in tears.

Oh yes, looking forward to this weekend.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

That pregnant girl...

There's this woman at my work who's about 7 months pregnant, but who looks about 12 months pregnant because she's about 4 feet tall and normally weighs about 80 pounds. Whenever asked whether she's excited about having her first baby, she makes no bones about the fact that "this kid was an accident". Charming.

Y'know, at first I'd just roll my eyes and think "Gee, how classy of her to tell everyone that her pregnancy was a mistake...", but now I'm beginning to get very upset every time I hear her complain about every single aspect of her pregnancy. Ahhh heck, who am I kidding? I'm not starting to get very upset, this has actually been pissing me off for a while now.

She refers to her baby as "it", as in "Ewww...it moved again and it made my stomach giggle. I wish it would stop doing that!" and "If it thinks it's going to have a crib in our bedroom after it's born, it has another thing coming...I'm gonna break it of that bad habit (ie. wanting to sleep in Mommy and Daddy's room) from day one!"

Apparently the ultrasound consultants have informed her that she's expecting a baby boy (she explained "Shit, the pregnancy was enough of a surprise. I certainly wasn't going to wait to find out its gender". Whenever someone says to her "Gee...you really look like you're going to have a girl!", she exclaims "Well, this thing better be a fucking boy, 'cause I'll freak if they got it wrong after I bought all that stuff for it".

Oh...and she drinks. Ok, I admit I haven't seen her get, like, drunk or anything, but at our office Christmas party, when she was 3 months pregnant or so, she totally took a large cup of booze!

Why is the world so unfair? Why is she having a baby and not me? I feel so sorry for her baby already.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Another annoying thing

Lately, my mother has been doing this thing, which I assume she does because she thinks it makes me feel better. But, the truth is that it makes me cringe! Whenever we chat on the phone, which is every day for about an hour, she talks about someone else's baby, mentions how amazingly adorable they are, and then says "Wow...I just can't wait until you have yours. I just know you're going to love it. I can't wait!!".
I think that continuously saying things like that is her way of reassuring me that there's absolutely no doubt in her mind that I will eventually get pregnant. Like, she won't even contemplate the possibility that I might never get pregnant or that, at least, it might take a long while to happen.
Tonight I mentioned to her that I'm not ready to use phrases like "When I get pregnant", or "Sure, you can spend two weeks in our apartment when I give birth to my yet-to-be-conceived child". I just don't want to talk like that. I don't want to set myself up for even greater grief than I know I would feel if I couldn't ever get pregnant. I think that, at the very least, I'm making things better for myself by not getting ahead of myself. But then again, who really knows? Maybe I'm just bottling all this desire up inside and setting myself up for an eventual explosion and/or meltdown.
When I mentioned to my mother that I wasn't getting ahead of myself and talking about pregnancy and children, she kind of scolded me and said "But you have to have hope. You have no idea how bad negativity is for you. You need resolve and trust and hope that you will get pregnant".
She's probably right, and I'm probably being melodramatic, but that's the head space I'm in right now. A tiny part of me always believed, deep down, that I would have trouble conceiving. And, here we are, having trouble conceiving. So, since a tiny part of me seriously cannot envision myself ever getting that positive pregnancy test, I'm just not ready to ignore that feeling. I can picture myself with babies, although even that vision sometimes seems too good to ever be true, but I just don't picture myself getting that BFP.
Ok. I'm gonna go cry now.

Preparing for Pesach (aka Passover)

This week marks, perhaps the busiest week of the year for Jewish people. It's the week before Passover and we're all busy getting our homes, ourselves and, most importantly, our kitchens ready for this holiday of unleavened bread.
For those of you who aren't aware of what is involved in this holiday, I'll give you a brief and very summarized explanation. The holiday of Passover commemorates the Jews' freedom from generations of slavery in ancient Egypt. Y'know the pyramids? Yeah. That was us.
Anyway, apparently Pharoah had a brief change of heart about the slavery, and when Moses commanded "let my people go", Pharoah responded "alright...take 'em and go". So, the Jews very quickly prepared to leave Egypt (on foot, of course) and headed for the big, vast, merciless desert, where they would wander for forty years. The reason we eat "matzah" (unleavened bread, which looks like a cracker and tastes like the cardboard box in which it's packaged) is to commemorate the fact that the Jews had to flee Egypt so quickly (so as not to allow Pharoah time to change his mind and force them back into slavery), that they didn't even have the 18 minutes of time required to allow their loaves of bread to rise before baking.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "So...what's the big deal? You can't eat bread for eight days, so what?" The truth is, though, that it's actually much stricter than that. We don't consume any leavening agents whatsoever. That includes all flours, yeasts, legumes, and other such products. That means...no bread, pasta, pita, beans, rice, oats, etc. etc. etc. And, of course, it's not enough that we can't eat them, but we also have to ensure that not a single solitary crumb of bread (or other aforementioned types of food) are left in our homes. As such, we must clean every room, every nook and every cranny in our homes. The bedrooms, the bathrooms, the closets, the cupboards, etc. We also have to change all of our dishes, so as to ensure we don't come into contact with dishes that have touched said food products. I know, we're insane.
So, as you can imagine, this being the week before Passover, Jews around the world are ridiculously busy cleaning their homes and getting themselves ready for this eight day holiday.
Being spoiled and lazy, I paid my cleaning lady to spend some additional 'quality time' (ie. cleaning) with me. She helped me clean out my kitchen and all the bookshelves in my home. I love her.
Tomorrow I'll start cooking. I'm making three large batches of Passover-friendly biscotti (without flour!! I know...it's amazing), as well as some zucchini frittata concoction that we're serving at our first seder (traditional ritual dinner).
Ok, lots to do...so I'll end with that. To all my Jewish readers (I dunno...do I have any readers at all?), have a joyful and kosher Pesach.

Monday, April 14, 2008

It's the little things

Hubby and I both had stressful days at work today. We were driving home and I just said "Hey...let's go for a big ice cream!". And we did. And we both have ice cream tummy aches now. But it was yummy and worth it. Sometimes we just need a little sugar-induced pick me up, y'know. You should try it!

This is what I had. Highly recommended.

Job stress

Lately, I've spent a lot of time dreading, hating and complaining about my job. It really does suck. My boss is a witch. A complete and utter witch. She's so self-centered, selfish and calculating, you wouldn't believe it. Everyone knows it, and we all speak about it in private, but no one will come out and do anything about it because she's the big cheese in our office. It doesn't get all that much higher up than her.

I've been patient at work. Unbelievably patient. And I've waited 9 months (ironic, eh?) for a promotion that I kept being promised was "right around the corner". Well, it finally IS right around the corner. HR is just completing my paperwork and, within a matter of mere weeks (Seriously. Fucking HR), they should be done said paperwork and I should be in my new position. It's a position that the old me would've wanted really badly. It's exciting (read: stressful), really relevant (read: I watch the world news in the morning and can tell how crazy my day is going to be), and it looks great on a resume.

So, what's the problem now, right?

Well, when I first showed interest in the job, the team I was hoping to work with had about 10 people. Some were good and some were average. A few were...amazing. Well, that bitch boss I just told you about, has slowly but surely decimated the group. She has, either directly or indirectly, caused seven of the team members to quit or transfer to other positions. So, now that I'm just about to join the team, it's completely fallen apart. I'll have to take on double my fair share of files (making the job very stressful) and all remaining team members are entirely demoralized and seeking transfer opportunities that begin ASAP. What am I getting myself into here? I feel annoyed, because I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this job forever. And now I'm really not all that excited about it.

I think I've learned one of those hard, adult lessons pretty young in life. Six months ago, I never would've thought this, but now I just think to myself, "all I want is a family, good health, and a good, respectable job that doesn't cause me too much stress". This TTC stuff has taken a toll on me and I can finally understand why my net friend at http://of-course-youll-get-pregnant.blogspot.com/ decided to quit her job after she had so much trouble conceiving.

The truth is that, if you're miserable in your personal life, then it's very tough to handle a job that's getting you down as well. I feel a deep desire to experience some happiness during my day (call me crazy, I know). That's probably why I'm just so darned in love with my husband. He makes me so so happy. There's no negativity with him. It's all good. I would be utterly lost without him. He gives me the strength to get up and face the day, in spite of all this TTC/hypothyroidism mess and my job stress. I love him. **sigh**

Sunday, April 13, 2008

A dream

Last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. I was probably around 6 months or so...maybe 7, based on the size of my tummy. It was amazing. It was a short dream and it felt amazing. I loved it. I don't remember anything else about the dream, just that I was touching my tummy and feeling so happy. I woke up and, for an unbelievably glorious split second, really thought that I was pregnant. Then I remembered the last six months.

Sigh...in the mean time I'll just have to console myself by hugging and kissing and snuggling with out friends' son (9 months old) and our cousins' son (14 months old). They're both so delicious! I can't stop smothering them with shlurpy kisses and tight squeeze hugs whenever I see them. I hope their parents don't mind!

Y'know what really annoys me?...

...when chicks on "Baby 'n Bump" (the TTC online community I frequent) create posts with titles like:

"Holy shit...OMG OMG OMG OMG....FINALLY!!" and then announce their "BFP". But then, when you look at their profile, it says "TTC since April 2008"....as in...THIS MONTH. Their posts also usually have those little "Blinkers" that say "Under 20 and TTC" and "Only 1,477 days until Todd and I get married!!!!!"

Of course, being the sensitive ladies that they always are, they invariably post some disclaimer like:

"Of course, I'm conscious of how so many of you ladies have been trying for a lot longer than me, but DH and I are still SO SO excited because we wanted this SO SO badly for (what somehow seemed like ) SO SO long (ie. the past 19 days) ! **Baby Dust** to all you TTC ladies! Your BFPs are JUST around the corner, I can just feel it!!"

Fuck off.

Marriage Lesson #5681

When hubby tells me we're having "Cajun [fish/steak/chicken]" for dinner, all it means is that he's burned the food.

You've come a long way baby

Y'know, thinking back over this TTC journey, I realize how much I've learned. In fact, there's almost nothing I read about getting pregnant nowadays that I don't already know. I'm MILES ahead of where I was the first time (in the first month) we tried to get pregnant, when I actually ran to the bathroom an hour and a half after we finished having sex, and took a pregnancy test.
I can't remember exactly what I was thinking, but I think that I believed that the egg just sat there, waiting for sperm, for several days, and that you could detect pregnancy within a few minutes conception.

I have three post-secondary university degrees. Uh huh.

And so, it begins

This is the way I began my last three blogs. I always start by creating a post, warning readers that I have no idea how disciplined I'll be about keeping up with daily posts or even posting every other day. It's kind of like saying "bli neder" (for all my Jewish readers, who understand what that means). I don't want to make any promises that I can't keep, so I'll just say that I hope this blog helps me keep my spirits up while trying to conceive (henceforth referred to as "TTC"), and I hope that I find the time/interest to post frequently enough to keep everyone's interest intact.

Anyway, why don't I start by summarizing my TTC journey thusfar.

Hubby and I started trying to conceive our first child last November 2007 (December 2007 was really our first serious attempt). After hearing all the women in my family go on and on about how they all couldn't believe it just took 'one try' before they got knocked up, I was shocked/horrified/angered that I wasn't pregnant after our first or second month. In fact, I was outright hysterical on our second month of trying after my period arrived. Here we are, four months later (six months after the journey began), and I feel like we're headed in the wrong direction. I feel farther from my "BFP" ("Big Fat Positive" - pregnancy test result - for all the unintiated readers) than ever.

As the description of my blog suggests, I'm going to spend an awful lot of time bitching about Ontario's healthcare system. It sucks! Thus far in my TTC journey, I've fired one doctor, battled with the secretaries of my new doctor, and resorted to "hallway medicine" (where I've exploited my religious connections and acquaintances) to get referrals to specialists. I've had one family doctor forget to requisition a blood test for me, I've had a lab forget to test my thyroid function once the doctor actually got around to requisitioning a blood test for me, and I've had to wait and wait and wait for my doctor's schedule to open up for an appointment while she took a month off to get married and then another three weeks off for her honeymoon (from which she will undoubtedly return pregnant).

Doctors in Ontario are no longer care providers. They are merely obstacles. Obstacles to specialists and to the diagnostic tests that their patients require. Visiting the doctor is no longer about explaining your symptoms and receiving quality advice, it's about presenting your 'case' in such a way as to convince the doctor to take the course of action that you, the patient, has decided is best as a result of your extensive internet research. Y'know what? You usually end up being right. At least I do. Seriously, I do.

Five years ago, I visited three hospitals in one day (!!) and insisted to every doctor that I saw that I had something severely wrong with my salivary gland. They all told me I was exaggerating and that all I needed to do was 'flush a small piece of food out of the duct' with a solution of warm water and lemon juice. I was so insistent that the last doctor agreed to refer me to an ear, nose and throat specialist in order to calm my 'hysterical' mind. Forty-eight hours later, the specialist took one look at my X-rays and sent me for immediate emergency surgery, where he removed (and I quote) "the largest, entirely calcified, salivary duct stone" he had seen in his "entire 30 year career".

Anyway, after looking over this post, I realize that it's about time I get back to blogging. My thoughts are scattered, my writing stinks, and I'm not particularly humourous. I'll try harder next post, I promise. Please come back and keep reading. In the next post I'll explain a little more about our TTC journey up until now and how I eventually ended up smashing into a brick wall (figuratively) when I was diagnosed with severe hypothyroidism.