Thursday, May 29, 2008

Sorry it's been so long. I don't have good news or bad. Just...the same.
As some of you may know, this was my first cycle with a normal range TSH. I ovulated early...and I had TONS of very painful ovulation pain. Both ovaries felt raw and bruised for two days solid (and this was the same time as I had tons and tons of EWCM). Hubby and I did our best with what time we had. We 'tried', a couple days before ovulation, both days of positive ovulation tests, and then one or two days after that.
I was quite hopeful for a few days this cycle. I really thought that the painful ovulation was sign that, now that my thyroid has been regulated, I was finally ovulating for the first time in a while. I thought that I might even have some weird ovulation where I ovulate from both ovaries and...end up with twins! Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?
Anyway, I haven't felt very much since ovulation. Only a few notable things. I am now on 8dpo and for the past two days, I've had lots of gas and bloating. I've had some very very very minor and mild twinges and cramps the last couple days, and I've noticed that my boobs are totally not sore. Now, normally the boob thing would get me excited, but the truth is that I've looked at my charts for the past few months, and my boobs usually get sore around CD 22 (which will be around two days from now).
Oh...and I was writing this my mother called. She asked me about 'things', and I mentioned in passing that I probably wouldn't be pregnant this month. She gave this totally condescending chuckle and said "oh...I don't know if you know this but you can't tell for the first month or longer. You won't feel anything". Yeah...that's right....except that first month, when I had a miscarriage, I felt everything. I knew...I knew from the day after we conceived. I just knew. And I felt it. Not subtly either...Very obviously.
Look, I'm not denying that I still have a chance at being pregnant this month. I know I do. If I didn't think so, then I wouldn't keep testing. But I just feel that, when I actually do end up getting pregnant, it'll feel like it did the first time. I'll feel tired, I'll feel heaviness in my uterus, I'll "just know"....and I'll dream about it, just like I did that first month.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my mother. She's just so full of platitudes and old wives advice. I cannot mask my disappointment when we speak. I get annoyed. I wish I didn't, but there's no one Ispeak to who is worse at making me feel better. I don't know why. I guess it's that everyone else can accept that I get down. They understand and don't get upset when I'm not cheerful. But my mom just seems to get annoyed when I display anything but cheerfulness, hope and complete faith in God that this is really really good for me. It's NOT.


hopefaithlove said...

I wish you lots of luck and sorry about your Mother.

Moderndayverona said...

Your mom sounds like mine. Hang in there ***baby dust****

Jeanne said...

Hang in there...