Sunday, May 4, 2008

Crying

I've been doing a lot of crying lately. And y'know what's weird about it? That I feel fine and dandy and then all of the sudden, I just fall into a complete funk and start crying about not being pregnant. I think it might be PMS-related. I'm on CD23 today, which means my period is exactly one week away. Either that...or pregnancy related emotional changes. HIGHLY unlikely. But I can hope, right? Of course I can...and then I can be crushed, just like all the other months. Sigh..

I went out a bought the "Conquering Infertility" book today (or, as the guy from Chapters who was searching for the book for DH spelled it "Conquering INFURTILITY"). I'm REALLY hoping that this book helps me get out of this rut. I simply can't imagine surviving another year of TTC in this state. I think I'd die of depression in the mean time. I honestly don't know how some women do it. They try, unsuccessfully for 2, 3, 4, 5 or more years...and nothing. I don't know how they survive it. It would fundamentally change who I was. I would be a shadow of myself. I would lose my identity. I would be nothing more than than a hormonal machine, operating on two week cycles of hope and despair. I would die.
I pray. I PRAY that it doesn't come to that. I just don't know how I would handle it.
My mother calls me every day and seems to want to make me cry. Even on the days when I'm feeling fine, she asks me "How are you feeling...y'know...mentally?". I usually lie and said "Y'know..fine, I guess....nothing new. I'm fine". And then she launches into the same speech every day about how I have to have hope, and how there's "just no way you'll end up childless". She then reminds me that she's praying for me, and that there's absolutely no reason for me to think that I'm infertile. This hypothyroidism is just a small set back, and that I need to learn that life is full of set backs. In fact, she wants to sit me down next time I'm in town visiting her, to tell me all about all the set backs her and my father faced through life (yeah, that ought to make me feel all better).
She asks me all sorts of questions that seem to be attempting to draw sobs out of me. So, today I just said "Look....I'm in a shopping mall trying on dresses. I was doing fine and now I'm on the verge of tears. Must we do this every day? Do I have to cry all the time? You seem to make me cry about this every time we chat, and then you end the conversation by saying "Gosh... I just can't believe how emotional you are about this. It's making me so sad. I can barely sleep at night knowing that you're in this state!"
I love her and all...but my gosh!! Sometimes it's a little too much. I know, with all my heart, that she wants the best for me. I know that she thinks she's making it better for me, but I'm not sure if it's helping. I just know that I usually cry a lot after our phone calls.
How do you guys deal with infertility/TTC stuff? Do you have frequent breakdowns? I'd love to hear that I'm normal. Let me know if you're like me!

1 comment:

hopefaithlove said...

Hang in there, I cry almost every day too, you are not alone in this.