Sorry it's been so long. I don't have good news or bad. Just...the same.

As some of you may know, this was my first cycle with a normal range TSH. I ovulated early...and I had TONS of very painful ovulation pain. Both ovaries felt raw and bruised for two days solid (and this was the same time as I had tons and tons of EWCM). Hubby and I did our best with what time we had. We 'tried', a couple days before ovulation, both days of positive ovulation tests, and then one or two days after that.

I was quite hopeful for a few days this cycle. I really thought that the painful ovulation was sign that, now that my thyroid has been regulated, I was finally ovulating for the first time in a while. I thought that I might even have some weird ovulation where I ovulate from both ovaries and...end up with twins! Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

Anyway, I haven't felt very much since ovulation. Only a few notable things. I am now on 8dpo and for the past two days, I've had lots of gas and bloating. I've had some very very very minor and mild twinges and cramps the last couple days, and I've noticed that my boobs are totally not sore. Now, normally the boob thing would get me excited, but the truth is that I've looked at my charts for the past few months, and my boobs usually get sore around CD 22 (which will be around two days from now).

Oh...and update...as I was writing this my mother called. She asked me about 'things', and I mentioned in passing that I probably wouldn't be pregnant this month. She gave this totally condescending chuckle and said "oh...I don't know if you know this but you can't tell for the first month or longer. You won't feel anything". Yeah...that's right....except that first month, when I had a miscarriage, I felt everything. I knew...I knew from the day after we conceived. I just knew. And I felt it. Not subtly either...Very obviously.

Look, I'm not denying that I still have a chance at being pregnant this month. I know I do. If I didn't think so, then I wouldn't keep testing. But I just feel that, when I actually do end up getting pregnant, it'll feel like it did the first time. I'll feel tired, I'll feel heaviness in my uterus, I'll "just know"....and I'll dream about it, just like I did that first month.

I'm having a hard time dealing with my mother. She's just so full of platitudes and old wives advice. I cannot mask my disappointment when we speak. I get annoyed. I wish I didn't, but there's no one Ispeak to who is worse at making me feel better. I don't know why. I guess it's that everyone else can accept that I get down. They understand and don't get upset when I'm not cheerful. But my mom just seems to get annoyed when I display anything but cheerfulness, hope and complete faith in God that this is really really good for me. It's NOT.

Ok...well, that's done,

So, DH and I had our appointment today and I still can't decide how I feel about it.

First off, the doctor: Dr. C is obviously an expert in his field. He peppers his speech with references to recent and old medical studies, and doesn't hesitate for a second as he's offering his advice.

I should note that DH and I know Dr. C on a personal level, so he may have treated us differently than he normally treats his patients. I don't know. It's possible. For one thing, he didn't yell at me for being fat. It was absolutely brutal when he asked me for my height and weight in front of my husband. I'm surprised DH's jaw didn't drop, because every time he has guessed my weight in the passed, he's underestimated by at least 30 pounds. Today must've been quite a gross shock for him.

Anyway, back to Dr. C. He just looked at me and said "Ok..you know that this can contribute to your infertility. I've seen you power walking in our neighbourhood, but you need to do more". That was about it. He wasn't so bad about it.

Now, as for what he said about us, he suggested a few things:
1) He said that it's totally possible that we're just one of those perfectly healthy, normal couples who, for some reason, take a heck of a long time to get pregnant. He said "you might just be on that part of bell curve where it takes a healthy couple a year or more to get pregantn".

2) It could be a problem with DH's sperm. DH had a sperm test and, with the exception of a couple of borderline numbers, almost everything came out normal. Dr. C said that, to him, the test looked "just fine. Normal".

3) Or it could be an ovulation problem. He said that since I have such regular menstrual periods, he doesn't think that I have an ovulation problem. Instead, he assumes that our fertility issues have been caused by my thyroid which, probably, just squewed my hormones every so slightly....but enough to cause a lack of conception.

He recommended a couple of tests for me: 1) a baseline ultrasound (trans-vaginal), which will check for ovarian cysts and uterine lining issues, and 2) a special test to check my fallopian tubes and make sure they're clear. I've heard that this second test is excruciatingly painful. I told him that I'd rather hold off for a couple months before booking that.

If we don't get pregnant this month, I'll have a whole WHACK of tests to do next month: blood tests, ultrasounds, etc.

Hubby also mentioned my extreme depression/anxiety, and Dr. C recommended that I see the councillor in his clinic. I'm definitely going to book that appointment tomorrow.

Anyway, here's some more important information:
When Dr. C examined me (basically he did a pap), he took a one second look at my privates and said "Whoa...you're about to ovulate! Keep your husband nearby!". I said "uhhh...how do you know that?" and he said "You have tons of healthy cervical mucus here". I also mentioned that I had been having some serious ovary soreness. He didn't have anything to say about that. But it seemed, given the ovary pains, and the EWCM, that I must be close to ovulating (even though I'm only on CD11).

Later today, I took an OPK test, and it came back positive. How can this be?? I don't understand how I can be ovulating so early? I'm scared that we're, once again, front-loading our sex efforts. We have a bad track record of having tons of sex early in my fertile phase, and then not having the stamina to continue through my ovulation time.

Anyway, DH and I will be BDing tonight and tomorrow and, hopefully, I'll get pregnant. Nothing more to say than that.

UPDATE: Oh... I forgot to mention the funny part of the appointment. DH accompanied me to the examination room after our consult with Dr. C in his office. When Dr. C walked in, DH said "Ok...I think maybe I should wait outside". Dr. C said, "Well, I actually need you here because I want to examine you too". (Keep in mind, we're personal friends/acquaintances with Dr. C). Dr. C then looked at DH and said "I'll need to check your family jewels. Could you please drop your pants so I can squeeze your testicles?"

I thought poor hubby would die of embarassment. He was so nervous that he just started speaking at a hundred miles an hour, saying 'oh...sure, here you go' (as he casually whipped out his schlong). I almost busted up laughing.

Sorry for the absence!

I know, I know...I'm lucky if any of you are still reading because I've completely neglected my blog. I do have some good reasons, though...

1) My family (parents, grandmother and great-aunt) came to visit us for the long weekend. I know that you're probably thinking it was a total drag, but they're actually a lot of fun and we had a terrific time with them!

2)I've been trying to think about how to tell you all that my thyroid seems to be...perfect! I am so proud of myself. I know, I know, all I did was take a pill every day, but consider the following: First off, it takes most people who have only slightly hypothyroids, nearly 6 months to a year to fix them. I was so firm with my doctor and so aggressive with my treatment, that I manged to get my TSH from >100 to a normal range in 7 weeks. Also, I've been meticulous in taking my medication, which isn't easy because it involves not eating for 2 hours after I've taken the pill (first thing in the morning), and not having any dairy for at least 4 hours after taking it. I've really had to adjust my life a little to accommodate these rules.

Anyway, today marks our first really TTC attempt in slightly over 2 months. I'm thrilled and nervous to be back in the game. I've read so many exciting success stories about people who, after finding out they were hypothyroid, have fallen pregnant as SOON as they got their TSH into the normal range. While I want to keep a realistic outlook, I have to admit that I have a little twinge of hope that I'll be one of those cases. Of course, falling pregnant immediately would bring about some concern about miscarriage due to a fluctuating TSH. Anyway, I'm really trying to not hope too hard about falling pregnant right away, but I'm still trying to keep a really positive outlook.

I'm nervous, because I know that, as we re-start TTC again, I'm possibly setting myself up for the pain and heartache that I experienced in all the previous months while TTC. There wasn't so much sadness this month when I got my period because we weren't really trying. But now, we are trying again, and I've got real hope that's available to to be shattered in about 2 weeks from now.

Wish me luck!!

Down and out...

That's what I was today....down and out. DH and I went to the tulip festival, which I had never seen before, and which was lovely. It started out well enough, with colourful flowers, the international pavillion - with its various ethnic culinary delights and crafts - and it ended with some great photography (compliments of moi. So, what possibly could have brought me down? How about the fact that everyone was pregnant. Everyone.

Young women, older women, single women, married women, fat women, thin women, elegant women, shlumpy women, women with small children, women with older children, women who clearly had no other children, and girls who were far to young to be pregnant. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.

GRRRRRR. Is there something in the water? Am I missing something? Why not me?

And, to make matters worse, every step I took was accompanied by a disgusting "ssshhhhllluuurrrmmmppphhh" sound because of the veritable waterfall flowing between my short an stubby legs. I have my period. BIG TIME. I felt like I had wet my pants. It was so gross. I hate being out on hot summer days when I have my period.

On another note, I'm starting yoga tomorrow. Hoping it will help me relax and fend off this horrendous depression that leaves me in tears on a daily basis.

All things pregnancy-related

So...I've noticed a theme.

When DH asked me last week what movie I wanted to see (same question my mom had asked me earlier), the only one I really wanted to see was "Baby Momma" (see below).

And I also have a TV in my cubicle at work because I'm in a field where I'm supposed to keep up on current events 24/7. Yeah whatever.

Anyway, turns out that the TV in my cubicle has cable. I only have one channel at home, so cable TV at work makes it ridiculously hard to focus.

Anyway, since I haven't had any work to do for, oh, about 8 months (seriously...that's why I want to leave), I've been watching a lot of TLC. And y'know what show runs on a freaking loop? "Bringing baby home". Yeah...that show where a bunch of yuppies who have NO idea of how to care for a baby, actually give birth to their first child and then take it home for, what they seem to feel is, the dreaded "first 36 hours of life", when they demonstrate how awkward they are with their baby and how they have to rely on a bunch of books to figure out how to hold the baby, how to touch the baby, how to talk to the baby, etc.

It makes me so annoyed, because I can walk into any room and just pick up a baby and be 100% natural and comfortable with a baby. Seriously. Several people have commented on how I'm the most natural person with a baby, and they can't believe I don't have any of my own. Anyway, suffice it to say that it's probably not healthy for me to be watching that shit. It's not making me happier.

Ok, anyway, to continue with the 'pregnancy' theme, I should also tell you that unny is away on business tonight, so to pass the time I decided to rent a movie...and what did I rent?....Juno...

Yeah...that movie about that very fertile 16 year old. I enjoyed the movie thoroughly, although the infertile couple who is supposed to adopt Juno's baby was frightening to me...but only because I FEAR becoming like the wife. I'm so worried that DH won't be able to handle my baby-obsessiveness forever.

On a completely unrelated note (well, not COMPLETELY unrelated note...'cause it still has to do with my not being able to get pregnant), I've been receiving acupuncture treatment for some unhealed sprained ankles, and I suddenly wondered if I should consider it for fertility.

I've actually reached that point. I mean, several months ago, after the second month that I didn't get pregnant, I was reading on baby and bump about all these infertile women who have regular acupuncture sessions to try and help them conceive. And I thought "Whoa...scary. Those chicks'll try anything to get pregnant". And. Now. Here I am. This whole TTC thing has been one big exercise in eating my words.

There IS a God

Holy f*ck!!!
You guys will NOT....NOT believe this. Ok. Go and read the post right
below this one, then come back and read this.

Ok...would you believe that less than 5 minutes after I posted that last
post, I got a job offer from an organization I've been dying to work
for?????

YES YES YES YES YES!!!

Big BIG frustrations

Do you know what one of the biggest frustrations is for me regarding not being able to get pregnant?

The fact that I've been consoling myself for the past 9 months with the thought that I wouldn't have to stay in this f**king job much longer because "I'm about to get pregnant, and then there'll be a light at the end of the tunnel".

With each and ever passing month, and each and every passing period, my job situation gets more and more frustrating. This place...this office in which I work, is falling apart. Everyone is always upset, everyone is looking for new jobs, everyone is starting to hate each other, and no
one is acting professionally or cordially anymore. And I'm stuck here.

I cannot delude myself anymore. The truth is that I can no longer use my 'imminent' pregnancy as an excuse to "not let these office politics get to me". The truth is that they DO get to me...and I may have to be here for a long while longer.

BBQ

Ahhh...tonight was nice. I wasn't depressed even once. My mind was occupied because we had a few friends over for a BBQ (our first of the summer!). We hadn't seen these friends in a little while, so it was nice to catch up. And they have this cute little new puppy that they brought along. Very adorable.

Anyway, it wasn't until they left that the wheels in my head started spinning down the TTC/infertility path. Ugh. But, I have to be thankful. At least from the house of 4:30 - 9:30pm, my mind was free from the torture of TTC-related depression.

Speaking of TTC-related depression, I'm seriously considering asking the RE for a referral to the psychiatrist in his clinic, when I go to see him on May 20th. I cried so much and so hard yesterday (and the day before that), that I just can't imagine not being considered at least moderately depressed. Then, I started reading the "Conquering Infertility" book that I've mentioned a few times in my blog, and it listed some 'risk factors' for mild and severe depression. Unfortunately, I came up with enough of the factors to be "severely depressed". And yesterday...I definitely felt it. I almost drowned in the tears that wouldn't absorb into my already drenched pillow.

Oh...and one more thing. I had two "When are you getting pregnant?" incidents at work this afternoon. Two people, who haven't got a clue that I''m TTC, just flat out asked me "So..when are you getting pregnant?", to which I expertly shrugged my shoulders and with a big smile said "I dunno! We'll see!" (even though I was secretly dying inside). I'm getting good at that response and reaction. I hate that fact.

Crying

I've been doing a lot of crying lately. And y'know what's weird about it? That I feel fine and dandy and then all of the sudden, I just fall into a complete funk and start crying about not being pregnant. I think it might be PMS-related. I'm on CD23 today, which means my period is exactly one week away. Either that...or pregnancy related emotional changes. HIGHLY unlikely. But I can hope, right? Of course I can...and then I can be crushed, just like all the other months. Sigh..

I went out a bought the "Conquering Infertility" book today (or, as the guy from Chapters who was searching for the book for DH spelled it "Conquering INFURTILITY"). I'm REALLY hoping that this book helps me get out of this rut. I simply can't imagine surviving another year of TTC in this state. I think I'd die of depression in the mean time. I honestly don't know how some women do it. They try, unsuccessfully for 2, 3, 4, 5 or more years...and nothing. I don't know how they survive it. It would fundamentally change who I was. I would be a shadow of myself. I would lose my identity. I would be nothing more than than a hormonal machine, operating on two week cycles of hope and despair. I would die.

I pray. I PRAY that it doesn't come to that. I just don't know how I would handle it.

My mother calls me every day and seems to want to make me cry. Even on the days when I'm feeling fine, she asks me "How are you feeling...y'know...mentally?". I usually lie and said "Y'know..fine, I guess....nothing new. I'm fine". And then she launches into the same speech every day about how I have to have hope, and how there's "just no way you'll end up childless". She then reminds me that she's praying for me, and that there's absolutely no reason for me to think that I'm infertile. This hypothyroidism is just a small set back, and that I need to learn that life is full of set backs. In fact, she wants to sit me down next time I'm in town visiting her, to tell me all about all the set backs her and my father faced through life (yeah, that ought to make me feel all better).

She asks me all sorts of questions that seem to be attempting to draw sobs out of me. So, today I just said "Look....I'm in a shopping mall trying on dresses. I was doing fine and now I'm on the verge of tears. Must we do this every day? Do I have to cry all the time? You seem to make me cry about this every time we chat, and then you end the conversation by saying "Gosh... I just can't believe how emotional you are about this. It's making me so sad. I can barely sleep at night knowing that you're in this state!"

I love her and all...but my gosh!! Sometimes it's a little too much. I know, with all my heart, that she wants the best for me. I know that she thinks she's making it better for me, but I'm not sure if it's helping. I just know that I usually cry a lot after our phone calls.

How do you guys deal with infertility/TTC stuff? Do you have frequent breakdowns? I'd love to hear that I'm normal. Let me know if you're like me!

GREAT advice!

***NEWS ALERT NEWS ALERT***

I just got off the phone with my mother, who had returned from her doctor's appointment, with an arm load of fertility advice for me. Chief among the smartest tidbits:
Just relax and let it happen. Stress will make you infertile. The more you stress, the longer it will take you to conceive. Just RELAX and before you know it, you'll have your arms full of babies!

I felt that I had moral responsibility to share this brand spanking new fertility advice.

Now go. Relax.

Sorry I haven't been posting so much lately

I've been having a couple of rough days. Mostly I just start crying and getting upset about not being pregnant. There's a book out that I think I might need to buy. It's by a doctor who writes about how to conquer infertility (in the emotional sense, I think). I read a synopsis of the book, and it was freightening how typical I am. All the bloody thoughts that run through my head, all my fears, all my sobfests, all the issues I'm internalizing...It's just so typical. So much so, that it's all written about in this book.

For any of my readers who are feeling the emotional toll of infertility or simply the inability to conceive at the drop of a hat, I'm going to recommend this book, even before having read it.