Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I lost my mind this morning. I fell into a fit of rage and crying and throwing things and banging walls and wanting to kill myself.I'm exhausted. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. I'm tired of platitudes, I'm tired of having hope and then losing it. I'm tired of waiting. Weeks and weeks of waiting. Months and months. I'm exhausted. I want it to stop.

We timed everything so perfectly this month. In fact, I stupidly allowed myself to get hopeful because everything just went so fucking perfectly this month. I caught a fade-in pattern on my OPK and we were disciplined and we waited until I had a strong positive on my OPK (testing 3x per day), and we tried two nights ago, even though I was as dry as a desert.

And then last night, which was really the night to try (I'm 100% sure I ovulated right before we tried), last night we tried again. This was supposed to be it for us. I had HOPE this month. We tried and, for whatever fucking reason, EVERYTHING came gushing out as soon as my husband pulled out. And he pulled out immediately after finishing. I know that everyone is thinking that it's normal for stuff to spill out. I know that too.

BUT EVERYTHING....EVERYTHING came out.

And y'know what else? Yesterday I bought the 'instead' cups. I thought I'd try and put one in after sex and leave it there all night. DH actually made fun of me and told me I was losing my mind for wanting to use it. So, embarassed, I didn't use it after sex. I could've scooped everything up and shoved it back in with a cup. But instead I just wiped it away with a towel. There was nothing left in me.

And you know what else fucking sucks? This was my HSG month. If there was ever a fucking month to get it fucking right, it was now. You're supposed to be extra fertile this month. This is the month not to fuck up. What is wrong with us? What have I done to deserve this? How could we let this happen? Everything came out. ALL of it. There was so much.

This rage this morning....that was all hope leaving me. We're religious people and I'm just ready to give it all up. I'm furious with God. FURIOUS. What the fuck am I building a solid home for? Why am I living my life this way? I always did it so that my children could be raised in a strong home. What children? What's the point now? I want to give it all up. I'm so enranged. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to tell God to fuck off. Yeah? You really think it's better to have some 15 year old pregnant than me, God? Really? Well then maybe I should just stop living my life this way. Obviously it means nothing to you that I try to be good. Obviously you're punishing me for something. So then, y'know what? I might as well have something to be punished for. Fuck you.

2 comments:

hopefaithlove said...

Sorry you are having a bad day... but it may seem everything came out, but these little guys get thrown up there and mostly semen fluid comes out. It may seem like a lot but it is almost impossible for everything to come out.

I understand though, I am having abad week too... all my levels came back LOW after Oing so it looks like we are out this cycle and we did everything correct.

Jeanne said...

Oooof! Just wondering how well you little machine is working, because if you were dry, it seems to me you couldn't have been that close to ovulation, and if it "all came out", that usually happens when you are not ovulating. When you are ovulating, the cervix changes shape. You could actually get your husband to do a kind of "gynecological exam". If you are not ovulating, he should be able to feel the cervix as a kind of bump, which makes the fluid come right back out. When you are ovulating on the other hand, the cervix pulls itself in, you can't feel it, and it creates kind of a pool for the semen to lie in. It should STAY in there. Have you looked into taking Natural Family Planning courses? I bet it would help a lot more than just relying on a machine. You'd learn much more than I could tell you. These are just things I,ve picked up here and there. I've never actually taken a course, but I've read up and talked to people who do give the course.

Sending hugs your way. Hope tommorrow is a better day.